Sixteen Candles (1984)

SCENE 1^

A quiet, upper-middle class, North Shore Chicago suburb. A Chevy Blazer cruises slowly down the street. Morning papers are pitched out the window. A dog runs between the houses. It's early autumn.

SCENE 2^

An attractive, old, three-story brick colonial. A news- paper flies into frame, strikes the corner of the house and drops into the bushes, a good twenty feet from the porch. An alarm clock goes off with a jarring bzzzzz!

SCENE 3^

The alarm continues for a beat. It stops and the house explodes with activity as the Baker family wakes and scrambles about their morning activities. There's Jim Baker, midforties, father, insurance executive, tall, lean, somewhat meek-looking, in his suit pants and handlebar undershirt scurrying to the bathroom.

JIM Let's go! Chop, chop! We've got relatives invading this afternoon!

He slams the bathroom door. His wife, Brenda, whips out of the bedroom in her housecoat and heads down the stairs. She's also in her midforties, strong, attractive and dominant. Mike Baker, ten, wanders out of his bedroom, scratching his rear end, yawning. He's young trouble, preteen maniac boy.

BRENDA (as she descends) Ginny! Mike! Sara! Sam!

MIKE (phoney, pained) Oh, God. I think I have a fever.

Sara Baker, seven, comes out of her room. She's all sweetness and cutes.

SARA You don't have a fever.

MIKE Why don't you shut your face?

SARA Make me.

Mike raises a fist. Sara shrieks.

SARA Dad! Mike hit me!

MIKE You liar!

The bathroom door opens and Jim comes out with a toothbrush in his mouth.

JIM (talks with the toothbrush in his mouth) Mike! Come on, pal, we're having a wedding tomorrow. Why can't you cooperate?

Ginny Baker, twenty-one, comes out of her room in panties and a sweatshirt. She's very pretty, very pampered and very sloppy. She slips past Jim as he scolds Mike, goes into the bathroom and locks the door. Sara turns and marches into the bathroom at the other end of the hall.

MIKE Dad, I didn't hit her. I'd like to very much and I probably will later, but give me a bi:eak, you know my method. I don't hit her when you're just down the hall.

JIM Pick on somebody your own size.

He turns back to the bathroom.

MIKE AND SARA She gives Mike a smug, snotty face. He squints angrily.

MIKE Later.

Sara turns up her nose and goes back down the hall to the other bathroom.

JIM discovers the bathroom door's locked. He rattles the knob.

JIM I was in there first! Open the door!

GINNY (O.C.) I'm so sure!

SCENE 4^

Ginny's standing in the shower with the water beating against the side of her head.

GINNY· I'm the one getting married, Daddy.

JIM (O.C.) Not until tomorrow. Come on! I got a mouthful of toothpaste!

GINNY (to herself) What a pest. (to Jim) I happen to have a serious problem!

SCENE 5^

Jim growls angrily and gives up. He turns to see Mike leaning on the knewl post, eavesdropping.

MIKE (with a chuckle) She has her·period, Dad. (raises an eyebrow) Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?

Jim looks at Mike, startled by the brash maturity of his remark. Mike trots down the stairs.

JIM Where're you getting that mouth?

MIKE (O.C.) (matter-of- factly) School.

SCENE 6^

Brenda's making coffee, eggs, toast and school lunches all at the same time. Mike wanders in and turns on the TV and dials in cartoons. A bowl of cereal is waiting for him. He starts to eat.

BRENDA Is everybody up?

MIKE Yep.

Jim walks in and crosses to the sink.

JIM Nope

He spits in the sink. Brenda stares at him. She leans over and looks in the sink.

BRENDA Thank you, dear. You just unloaded all over my luncheon.

SCENE 7^

CLOSEUP - SINK A bowl of boiled shrimp covered with toothpaste.

SCENE 8^

Jim smiles sheepishly at Brenda. She turns on the water to rinse the shrimp.

BRENDA Mike, make sure Sam gets up.

MIKE (shouts) Sara! Wake up Sam!

SCENE 9^

Sara's standing on a stool, bare-chested with an underarm lathered with shave cream. She's shaving her underarms with Jim's electric razor. She turns it off, put-out with the order to wake Sam.

SARA Jesus Christ! What am I? A slave?

She opens the door.

SCENE 10^

Sara comes out of the bathroom, crosses to a door leading to a third floor staircase and yells.

SARA Hey, Dorklips! Haul ass!

SCENE 11^

It's a girl's bedroom done in antiques and frills. In contrast to the mayhem on the first two floors, the third floor is quiet and serene. A brilliant shaft of morning sunlight shines down through a skylight above the brass bed. The sheets and blankets are rumpled and kicked aside. Samantha Baker stands before a floor mirror in the corner of the room. Her back is to camera. A bath towel is wrapped around her waist. She's staring at her body in the mirror. She was up long before anyone else in the house and has already showered. She puts a hand on her hip and strikes a pose. She doesn't like it. She tries the other hand. Both hands. She cocks her hip. Finally, she raises both arms and strikes a Charles Atlas pose. She holds it for a moment, then drops her arms. She groans.

SCENE 12^

CLOSEUP - SAMANTHA'S FACE She's young and pretty. No seething, precocious sexuality. Just a pretty, young girl. She's frowning. Obviously dis- pleased with her looks.

SAM Chronologically, you're sixteen today. Physically, you're still fifteen.

She lifts her damp hair off her face and neck and examines the effect. She's not pleased.

SAM (drops the hair) Worthless.

She reaches down, out of frame, and comes up with a telephone.

SAM (to the phone) I look exactly the same as I have since summer. Utterly forgettable.

She walks to a window seat and sits down. She pulls her knees up under her chin.

SAM (pause, still looking in the mirror) No, I didn't expect to wake up trans- formed. I just thought that turning sixteen is so major I'd wake up with an improved mental state that would show on my face. All that shows is the fact that I don't have any tan left. (with a closing sigh) My family's probably pissed that I haven't come down to let them wish me 'Happy Birthday'. I'll see you at school.

She hangs up the phone.

SAM I need four inches of bod and a great birthday.

DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 13^

Sam comes down the hall, buttoning her blouse. Jim comes out of the bedroom, dressed for work. She sees him and stops. She smiles, waiting for a "happy birthday" from him.

SAM (bright, cheerful) Hi, Dad.

JIM Hi, Sam. Better hurry.

And that's it. No happy birthday. Sam is stunned. She watches him hurry down the stairs. The bathroom door opens and Ginny comes out swaddled in bath towels. She sees Sam and sighs dramatically.

GINNY You know what today is?

Sam smiles and nods, expecting a birthday greeting from Ginny.

GINNY The first day of my all-new com- pletely screwed-up period. Are you on the pill?

Sam's smile fades. She shakes her head slowly.

GINNY Then you'll probably have a great honeymoon. (to herself) This is such a deluxe bite.

Ginny goes back into the bathroom and locks the door.

SAM (to herself, sarcastically) Thank you. Yes, it is my birthday. How nice of you to remember.

SCENE 14^

Brenda herds Mike and Sara through the dining room and into the foyer. Jim comes in from the living room. He's frantically searching for his briefcase.

JIM Where's my briefcase?

He opens the closet and rummages around for the briefcase.

MIKE Where'd you leave it?

BRENDA Don't be a smart ass!

MIKE Okay, I'll be a dumb ass.

SARA You already are.

BRENDA (to Sara) Touche!

BRENDA (Cont'd) (to Jim) Where's Sam?

JIM Where's my briefcase?

He pulls out hockey sticks, coats, hats, boots, toys, but no briefcase.

BRENDA (yells up the stairs) Sam!

MIKE (to Brenda) Allow me, Brenda. (yells) Hey! Birth defect!

Sam comes down the stairs, dressed, with her books under her arm. She scowls at Mike and smiles at Brenda. Again, she's expecting a birthday greeting.

BRENDA (to Sam) You missed breakfast again.

JIM It wasn't my idea to give her her own phone line. I don't have my own phone line.

BRENDA (to Sam) Grab a doughnut.

SARA I wouldn't if I were you. Mike tongued all the powdered sugar off. They're totally infected.

Jim kisses Brenda.

BRENDA (to Jim) The grandparents'll be here this afternoon.

JIM We're still going out tonight with the Rice Chex?

BRENDA (corrects him) Rizczechs. Eight, at the club. And you;d better learn their names. As of tomorrow, they're family.

Jim crosses to the door.

JIM Lovely thought. (to Sam) When it comes time for you to get married, do us a favor, elope.

Jim exits.

MIKE Who'd marry her?

SARA Mr. T.

BRENDA (kisses Sam's cheek) You'll have to buy lunch today. I didn't have time to do your carrots.

MIKE (laughs) She's eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts.

Sam raises her fist. Brenda beats her to him and gives him a solid shake.

BRENDA You shape up, mister, or I swear to God you won't go to your sister's wedding!

MIKE Promise?

Brenda draws back to hit him. He races out the door. Brenda kisses Sara and scoots her on her way. Sam stares at Brenda, giving her one last chance to mention her birthday.

BRENDA Don't give me that pouty look of yours. You can eat your carrots when you get home.

SAM That's it? You don't have anything else to say to me, today?

BRENDA (weary) What would you like me to say, Sam? Come on, you'll miss the bus.

Sam sighs and looks away.

BRENDA Have a good day.

Brenda exits. Sam stands alone in the foyer. She looks up at the ceiling, fighting off her tears.

SAM (to herself, incredulous) I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.

Theme music comes up.

SCENE 15^

A sprawling suburban high school. Roll credits over:

SCENE 16^

HIGH SCHOOL MONTAGE A -- Bus doors opening, young faces spilling out. B -- Every imaginable form of footwear scurrying past camera. C -- Nervous fingers twirling a padlock combination and yanking on the stubborn lock. It doesn't open. D -- A pair of rumps, male and female. A male hand on the female rear, a female hand on the male. E -- The tops of a lot of boys' heads shrouded in cigarette smoke. F -- A girl's head from the brow up as she furiously fusses with her tresses. G -- Lips are painted animal pink.

SCENE 17^

A large study hall. A male teacher is at the head of the class grading papers. Sam's in the second seat from the back. Randy's directly behind her, slumped down in her chair with an open book propped up in front of her. She yawns. Sam's hunched over taking the sex test.

SCENE 18^

One seat behind Sam in the next row of desks is a tall, handsome senior, Jake Ryan. He's an athlete and a class officer. The most significant male in the entire student body. He's bored with the study hall and is staring at Sam. She's figuring somewhere in his daydream.

SCENE 19^

CLOSEUP - TEST Sam turns the test sheet over and continues. 7. HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT? Her answer, "I DON'T THINK SO". 8. IF YOU ANSWERED "I DON'T THINK SO" WOULD YOU EVER IF YOU COULD?

SCENE 20^

Sam thinks. It's a tough decision. She answers. CLOSEUP - TEST "I GUESS SO" 9. WITH WHO? (BE HONEST. YOUR NAME'S NOT ON THIS SO IT'S OKAY)

SCENE 21^

She's worried and nervous about answering the final ques- tion. She lowers her head and peeks under her arm at Jake.

SCENE 22^

He's gnawing his thumbnail, still staring at Sam.

SCENE 23^

HIS POINT OF VIEW - SAM She blanches as Jake catches her looking at him. She clumsily tries to make it appear as if she's just scratching her chin on her shoulder. She turns back to her test.

SCENE 24^

CLOSEUP - TEST Her hand's trembling as she slowly writes "JAKE RYAN" on question #9. Her hand glides down to the last question. 10. DOES WHOEVER YOU NAMED ABOVE KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO WITH HIM? Sam writes a very definite, "NO!" and underlines it.

SCENE 25^

She carefully folds the test into a tiny square, palms it and pretending to yawn, puts her arms behind her head and drops the folded note on Randy's desk.

SCENE 26^

RANDY She's sound asleep in her seat, head back, mouth open. She doesn't see the note drop on her desk. Jake does.

SCENE 27^

CLOSEUP - DESK The note slides down the sloped writing desk and off.

SCENE 28^

CLOSEUP - FLOOR The note falls on the floor. Jake's hightop comes down on top of the note and slides it away.

SCENE 29^

JAKE He reaches down and retrieves the note. He holds it in his palm and slips it in his pocket, keeping his eyes on Sam all the while.

SCENE 30^

Sam and Randy are walking down the hall. Sam's upset.

SAM You swear to God you don't have it?

RANDY I don't know anything about it.

SAM Nancy Ludwig gave me a sex test during Child Development and I was supposed to do it and pass it to you in independent study.

Randy shrugs her shoulders. It's news to her.

SAM (devastated) I'm totally screwed.

RANDY Did you put your name on it?

SAM No, but it's really embarrassing. I had to name who I'd do it with if I ever did it.

Randy can't wait to hear who Sam's dream lover is.

RANDY Who'd you name?

SAM (hesitant) Jake Ryan.

RANDY (incredulous) Jake Ryan?! He doesn't even know you exist.

SAM (hurt) That's a real nice thing to say.

RANDY Sorry. But Jake Ryan? He's a senior and he's taken. I mean really taken.

SAM (agrees) I know. It was supposed to be my ideal.

RANDY He's ideal for sure but forget it.

SAM God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me that wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.

They continue down the hall.

SCENE 31^

It's loud and crowded. Jake's sitting on a window ·ledge. He takes Sam's note out of his pocket and reads it. He's obviously very interested. He turns the page.

SCENE 32^

CLOSEUP - TEST Jake reads his name in Sam's hand.

SCENE 33^

He sits bolt upright. He looks left, then right, to make sure no one's seen the note or suspects him of anything.

SCENE 34^

Randy and Sam move their trays along the line. Sam's looking at her tray with revulsion.

SAM I can't believe I'm actually going to consume a school hamburger.

RANDY They're not too terrible since they started using meat. What happened to your carrots?

SAM Brenda was too busy today. If she can't remember my birthday, I can't expect her to remember my carrots.

RANDY Are they working?

tests his buddy's reaction to his developing feelings for Sam. The note and its intimate revelations have set off a fury of emotions in Jake and it's almost as though he's seeking approval for the way he feels. Rock is decidedly unromantic. Girls are sex, sex is sport, sport is life. One at a time, the boys rise up into frame, deliver their lines and drop. Until noted, only one boy is on screen at a time.

JAKE (cautiously) Do you know Samantha Baker?

ROCK Sophomore, right?

JAKE What do you think of her?

ROCK I don't.

JAKE Would you ever go out with her?

ROCK Depends on how much you paid me.

JAKE (takes offense) She's not ugly.

ROCK There's nothing there, man. It's not ugly. It's just ... void, you know.

Jake holds himself up and rests his chin on the bar. Rock pulls himself and holds alongside Jake.

JAKE There's something about her. I do Independant Study with her and I catch her looking at me a lot. It's kind of cool the way she's always looking at me.

ROCK Maybe she's retarded.

JAKE I'm being serious, okay? She looks at me like she's in love with me.

Rock stares at Jake like he's lost his mind. Tenderness is not Rock's forte.

ROCK Jake, she's a child.

JAKE So?

ROCK So, what are you going to do with her? She's too young to party serious.

JAKE Maybe I'm interested in more than a party.

ROCK You talk like you're hard-up. You got Caroline. She's a woman.

JAKE I been going with her for like a year and you know what? I don't think she loves me. And I don't think I love her.

ROCK (puzzled) What the hell does that have to do with anything?

JAKE I think about Caroline, you know, and I realize that I never think about her unless I'm with her and then all I'm thinking is how I never think about her. I look in her eyes and I see tits. I look at this other girl and I don't care about tits.

ROCK She doesn't have any.

JAKE (frustrated) Don't you understand what I'm saying?

ROCK I don't think you understand what you're saying. I mean, you can park your pecker wherever you want but I think you're nuts to eighty-six Caroline for some sophomore wimp that looks at yoµ weird.

JAKE I'm all fucked-up about this, Rock. (sighs) What's happening to me?

ROCK, (worried) I don't know but I hope you're not turning gay.

Jake grimaces. He lets go of the bar and walks away. We widen to reveal that the boys have been doing cheater's chin-ups on a five foot bar. Rock's puzzled and disturbed by Jake's conversation.

SCENE 35^

Girls are showering and dressing after gym. We see Sam and Randy standing in the doorway of the shower room with their arms folded across their chests to conceal their modest charms. Sam's shaking her head as she studies the mature physiques of the senior girls. Randy clucks her tongue.

SAM That's unbelievable. I swear to God, Caroline Mulford had to flunk about nine grades.

CLOSEUP - THE WORLD'S MOST PERFECT BREASTS SAM and RANDY They hold their intense stares.

RANDY It truly makes me ill.

SCENE 36^

THEIR POINT OF VIEW - CAROLINE MULFORD is showering in front of them. She looks about twenty-three with a fully and perfectly developed body. Pin-up time. Her face is in the water spray and she doesn't realize she's being scrutinized.

SCENE 37^

SAM and RANDY Sam looks up from her chest. Randy breathes a pained sigh.

SAM She's perfect.

RANDY And practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet, her brother's deaf and everybody in the world worships her.

SAM And she's going with Jake.

Randy looks at Sam sympathetically.

SAM Figures, huh? Does she have a pink. Trans Am?

RANDY Black.

SAM (with an exagerrated sigh) I'm gonna kill myself.

A cloud of steam rolls across them and they disappear. DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 38^

SCENE 39^

Freshmen boys are climbing on board. They're silly and rowdy, pushing and shoving. Sam and Randy move in the crowd of boys, all of them a good head shorter.

SAM I loathe the bus.

SCENE 40^

Sam and Randy board the bus. The Bus Driver, who is dressed like the weenie boys and wears a Walkman around his neck, is giving the high five to the boys boarding the bus.

BUS DRIVER Mah, man! Square it off.

He offers his hand to Sam. She regards it with a sneer. She and Randy take their seats. They're surrounded by dopey Freshmen boys in ugly sweaters and parkas. The dregs of school society. The only other girl on the bus is a weird introvert with a spinal correction neck brace. A couple of band members are practicing in the back. We hear hand-held computer games.

SAM There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

RANDY I hope you get a car for your birthday. And a driver's license.

SAM Let's not hold our breath.

Sam and Randy focus on the seat in front of them.

SAM On second thought ....

They take deep breaths and hold their noses.

SCENE 41^

THEIR POINT OF VIEW - THREE FRESHMEN BOYS in the seat in front of them are turned around to face them. They're smiling with disgusting mouthsful of braces and jock straps on their heads. They raise electronic ray guns and fire at Sam and Randy.

SCENE 42^

Cars are parked in the driveway and on the street.

SCENE 43^

Brenda and Ginny are hosting their luncheon. Ginny has opened her gifts and is sitting with a wok in her lap.

GINNY (phoney) Aunt Grace, Rudy and I are just going to adore and enjoy the wok. Rudy's a freak for stir-fry stuff. It was a really neat thought. All of you, really.

She sets the wok down along with ten other gift woks. She's received one from every luncheon guest.

SCENE 44^

The school bus pulls up and stops. Randy climbs down. Sam speaks to her out the window.

SAM Call me, okay?

RANDY You call me first and tell me what happened at home.

SAM I'll tell you right now. Nothing.

RANDY Quit feeling sorry for yourself. It's bad for your complexion.

The bus pulls out.

SCENE 45^

It's just Sam the neck brace girl and one freshman weenie, the Geek. He's skinny and small with a cheap haircut, an imitation LaCoste shirt, baggy Levi cords, tennis shoes with dark socks and a nylon backpack filled with books. He strolls down the aisle and sits next to Sam. He gives her his sexiest look -- calves' eyes and a metal-mouth smile.

GEEK How's it goin'?

SAM (annoyed) How's what going?

GEEK You know, things. Life and whatnot.

SAM Life is not whatnot and it's none of your business.

GEEK Are you going to the New Faces dance tonight?

SAM That's also none of your business.

The Geek puts his arm up on the back of the bus seat.

GEEK What's the story? You got a guy?

Sam looks at the Geek with an angry, threatening squint.

SAM Three big ones and they lust for wimp blood. So, quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

GEEK I'm getting input from you that I'm reading as relatively hostile.

SAM Fuck off!

GEEK Woo! Definitely hostile. What's the problem? I'm a he, you're a she. I'm attracted to you. I see you everyday. I think about you fre- quently. Is there something wrong with my trying to put together some kind of relationship?

The bus stops. Sam gathers up her things. The Geek reaches out and takes her arm.

GEEK Just answer me one question.

SAM Yes. You're a total fag.

GEEK That's not the question.

Sam jerks her arm away.

GEEK (raises an eyebrow) Am I turning you on?

Sam stares at the Geek for a moment, then hurries down the aisle of the bus and exits. He's confident that because she actually conversed with him, she likes him.

GEEK Encouraging, very encouraging.

SCENE 46^

The luncheon guests are saying their farewells and wishing the bride-to-be good luck.

SCENE 47^

Sam shuffles up the walk to the porch. The door opens and the ladies stream out. A couple smile at Sam, most don't recognize her. She stands to the side and plasters a polite grin on her face as she waits patiently for them to clear the door. Brenda and Ginny stand in the door and wave.

GINNY (phoney) Thank you so much. Thank you. You're all incredibly kind.

BRENDA Thank you for coming.

GINNY I love the woks. Rudy's going to be so excited.

BRENDA We'll see you all tomorrow!

As soon as the ladies are out of earshot, Ginny leans against the doorjamb and groans.

GINNY I sincerely want to puke. His relatives are animals.

She slides back into the house. Brenda looks at Sam.

BRENDA Why didn't you say hello to them?

SAM They didn't say hello to me.

BRENDA Don't be smart.

Brenda goes back in the house. Sam shakes her head in disbelief.

SAM I have entered a dimension beyond all time and space ....

SCENE 48^

Sam trudges up the stairs anxious for the solitude of her bedroom. She reaches the top of the stairs and throws up her free hand in dismay.

SCENE 49^

Sam's grandparents, Jim's parents, Howard and Dorothy are changing out of their travel clothes. They're in early seventies. They're sweet and kind but pampered particular. Dorothy's in her gigantic bra and slip. in his undershorts, undershirt, socks and garters. puttering around unpacking.

SCENE 50^

SAM She turns slowly to try and sneak back down without getting nabbed by the grandparents. A creaky stair gives her away.

SCENE 51^

Dorothy and Howard turn around. They're startled until they recognize Sam. Howard reaches for his pants.

DOROTHY Sam!

SAM (to herself) Samantha ....

HOWARD How's my little pumpkin?

SAM Fine, Grandpa. How are you guys?

Howard gives her a hug and passes her to Dorothy who bear hugs her. Sam grimaces as she's engulfed in her grand- mother's arms.

SAM You're sleeping up here?

HOWARD (irritated) Your grandpa Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room.

Dorothy releases Sam. She steps back out of hugging range and discreetly smells her shoulder to see if Dorothy's left a noticeable scent.

DOROTHY Be fair, Howard. You got the garage for the Oldsmobile.

Sam drops a major hint about her birthday.

SAM It's a nice day isn't it? September fifteenth.

HOWARD A little nippy, if you ask me.

DOROTHY I hope it isn't cold tomorrow. You know Ginny. She'll refuse to wear a hat and coat over her wedding dress.

Sam's face drops as she realizes that they, too, have forgotten her birthday.

SAM I'm going to set myself up in Mike's room.

DOROTHY Okay, sweetie. Grandpa and I look forward to a long, long visit with you.

SAM (forces a smile) Aces.

SCENE 52^

Sam comes down from the third floor.

SAM This has to be a joke. I swear to God.

Sara's door opens and Brenda's dad, Fred Addison, comes out. He's a jolly, robust man in his late sixties. His fashion model is Sam Snead.

FRED Hey! Hey! It's Sammy Baker Davis Jr.!

SAM (unenthusiastic) Hi, Grandpa.

Fred's a wise guy. An ancient ham whose sense of humor is completely lost on Sam.

FRED Knock! Knock!

SAM Who's there?

FRED Who!

SAM (weary of the hoary old joke) Who? Who?

Fred leans back into Sara's room.

FRED Helen? There's an owl out here in the hall.

Fred snorts and grabs Sam. He tickles her. Sam loathes it. Helen Addison comes out of Sara's room. She's an attractive and somewhat chic older woman.

HELEN Fred, you'll make her wet her pants tickling her like that!

FRED Aw, come on, Helen!

Helen swats his hand. He snorts again and releases Sam.

HELEN Let me look at you, Sam.

She pushes Sam back and examines her at arm's length.

HELEN (clicks her tongue) Oh, my. (to Fred) Her little breasts have come in.

Sam blanches with horror. Fred makes another limp joke.

FRED I better go get my magnifying glass!

SCENE 53^

A typical boy's room with posters and sports equipment and bunk beds. Sam walks in, closes the door, walks over to the bed and flops down on the bottom bunk in exaggerated despair.

SAM I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.

She closes her eyes. A head pops up on the top bunk and looks over the side.

SCENE 54^

CLOSEUP - SAM Her eyes are closed. She feels a presence. Her eyes open. We hear a Chinese gong.

SCENE 55^

HER POINT OF VIEW - THE HEAD OF A TEENAGE ORIENTAL BOY is hanging over the top bunk, looking at her upside down. He's dopey-looking with big black rim glasses, and long, straight hair. His name is Long Duk Dong.

DONG (thick accent) What's happening, hot stuff?

SCENE 56^

Brenda's dressed for the dinner at the club. She's puttering around the kitchen, cleaning up, checking the dinner in the oven. Mike's sitting at the kitchen table watching television.

BRENDA His name is Long Duk Dong and he came down with Grandma and Grandpa Baker. He's an exchange student that's living with them.

MIKE He's completely bizarre.

BRENDA (angry) He is not! He's a very sweet boy.

MIKE I hope you burn the mattress and sheets after he leaves.

Sam walks in, completely resigned to the fact that the house has gone crazy.

SAM I don't suppose it makes any difference to you, but there's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room.

MIKE Ginny dumped Rudy. Her's her new fiance.

BRENDA Mike! Stop it! (to Sam) Will you help the grandmothers with dinner?

SAM (hinting again) Is there any reason I should stay home tonight?

BRENDA I think it'd be nice if you visited with your grandparents and Long Duk Dong.

SAM Who?

BRENDA The weird Chinese guy in Mike's room.

SAM (disappointed) I think I have a dance to go to.

BRENDA Can you remember to turn off the stove in ten minutes?

SAM I can remember lots of things.

Brenda looks puzzled at Sam, then decides she doesn't have the time to unravel teenage mysteries and exits. Sam sits down.

SAM This is the single worst day of my entire life.

MIKE What are you bitching about? I have to sleep underneath a Chinaman named after a duck's dork.

SAM (suspicious) Where am I sleeping?

MIKE (with sadistic glee) Sofa City, sweetheart.

Sam drops her head to the table. DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 57^

Ginny's getting dressed for the dinner at the club. She's in her panties and bra. Sam's laying on the bed looking at the wedding dress hanging on the open closet door. She toys with the lace.

GINNY Do you think Grandpa Fred's going to embarrass me?

SAM I don't know why not. He does it to everybody else.

GINNY He asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk.

SAM (kidding) Is he?

GINNY Don't be cute. I'm so paranoid. I know everybody'd be happier if I was marrying a white bread. Aunt Grace pulled me aside at the luncheon and told me that every family like Rudy's, no matter how straight, has a thug in it. She said it would be impos- sible to divorce him and live to enjoy it.

SAM She's senile.

GINNY I really love Rudy. And he loves me totally. I've had guys who loved me, but Rudy is like flipped-out. Even after six months.

Ginny's casual attitude toward romance reminds Sam of how romantically bankrupt her own life is. Ginny has long enjoyed an overabundance of boyfriends. She has no consideration of how Sam might feel.

SAM (timidly) I think I'm in love.

Ginny sits down next to Sam and puts on an annoying motherly front. She speaks to Sam like she's a child.

GINNY That's really sweet, Sam, but Rudy and my love isn't a going steady thing. It's mature, adult love. We're getting married. This is it. The big time. When your turn comes around, you'll understand what I'm saying.

She quickly refocuses the attention on herself. She stands up and models her full bust in the mirror on the back of the door. She drops the subject. Sam stands behind her and checks herself in the mirror.

SAM You don't have to get married to be in love.

Ginny sits down at her dressing table and begins her makeup.

GINNY Of course not. But there's dif- ferent varieties of love. What you're experiencing is puppy love.

SAM (offended) Thank you.

GINNY You're welcome. So. How long have you been in love? A day? A week? (pause) Ten minutes?

Sam doesn't respond. She's angry at Ginny's insensitivity.

GINNY How long? How serious?

SAM (sheepishly) It hasn't really happened yet.

GINNY You mean you're in love. Has he told you he loves you?

SAM Not exactly.

GINNY Are you dating?

SAM (reluctantly) No.

GINNY Well, are you doing anything?

Sam shakes her head.

SCENE 58^

steaming hot quiche. Pull back to reveal Dong bent over the food, studying it. He looks up, his glasses steamed over. He's amazed and impressed by the quiche.

DONG Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.

SCENE 59^

The grandparents, Mike, Sara, Sam and Dong are sitting at the dining room table with their TV dinners.

MIKE It's quiche.

DONG (puzzled) How you spell?

FRED You don't spell it, son, you eat it.

He looks at Sam and rattles his dentures for her amusement. She's hardly amused. Dorothy doesn't take kindly to Fred's treatment of Dong. Dong smiles at Sam. She returns a polite smile.

DOROTHY (to Sam) Long Duk Dong's about your age, Sam. You two should have lots to chat about.

DONG (cloying) I love visiting with Grandma and Grandpa and writing letters to my parents and pushing the lawn mowing machine so Grandpa's hernia is so much disturbed.

HOWARD He also does the dishes and helps with the laundry.

DOROTHY Where Dong comes from, young people respect and admire senior citizens.

Sam rolls her eyes. Mike looks at her, motions to Long Duk Dong and raises his eyebrows mockingly suggesting Sam make a play for Dong. She curls her lip at him and pushes back from the table.

SAM Can I be excused?

HELEN (surprised) Where're you going?

SAM I have a dance at school.

HELEN (disappointed) I thought we were going to make popcorn and play the Twister.

SAM (bullshitting) This is an important dance. We're graded on it. For gym.

FRED No kids still do the Watusi?

DONG I do!

DOROTHY Wait a minute, Sam. I've got a wonderful idea! (to Dong, excited) Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?

Sam's eyes bulge in horror. Dong snaps his fingers.

DONG Super!

Sam mouths a distraught "Oh, my God." Music comes up.

SCENE 60^

Dong's at the wheel. Sam's slumped down as far as she can get in the seat. She's wearing a skirt and blouse. Dentist office music is blasting and the windows are wide open.

DONG This car rockets right along, huh? V-8, no monkey business!

Sam nods. If she had an ounce more guts she'd throw herself out the door and die on the pavement.

DONG I got a driver's license for United States two weeks ago. (holds up three fingers) First time I drive alone!

SCENE 61^

The Olds flies through a red light, jumps the intersection and bottoms out in a shower of sparks.

SCENE 62^

Dong puts his arm up on the seat, revealing a heavily stained underarm.

DONG Yep. America's a moving, exciting locale. Speeding along. Fifty-five miles per hour. On my way to a hot teenage dance party. I love to be excited. How about you?

Sam shakes her head, no.

SAM (suspicious) I hate excitement.

DONG (lecherous) You like the kinky stuff?

SCENE 63^

The Olds fishtails around a corner and howls down a side street. DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 64^

SCENE 65^

Sam's sitting on a sink as depressed as anyone can get. Randy's fixing her face and trying to console Sam. She has an outrageous amount of makeup supplies spread out on the sink.

RANDY Nobody has to know you're with him.

SAM I must have been a mass murderer in a previous life.

RANDY Look, just pretend you don't know who he is.

SAM I'm such a loser. Randy sweeps her makeup into a big shoulder bag.

RANDY No, you're not. Let's go. Maybe Dim Dumb Duck Dick'll get lost.

SAM I'm not that lucky.

She and Randy exit. A beat and a toilet flushes. A stall door opens. Dong peeks out with a mischievous smile on his face.

DONG Dong make plenty sure he get lucky!

SCENE 66^

It's the first big dance of the school year. A female DJ is spinning records and rapping between songs. She's brought a huge sound system and light show. Jake, with Caroline on his arm, is talking with the hulking brute, Rock, and his tiny, petite girl friend, Patty. Rock's wearing a funky, rumpled second-hand store suit, a mesh jersey ,and a Jack Daniel's cap. Jake's wearing jeans and a blue blazer. It's all very proper and dignified. These are the popular people who are seemingly immune to the sorts of humiliations that beset people like Sam. Caroline takes Jake's arm and pulls him to the dance floor. It's a slow song. She rests her head on his shoulder and they dance.

SCENE 67^

Sam and Randy walk in.

SAM I wonder if Jake's here?

RANDY It isn't healthy to get too jacked- up about a guy who isn't even a thing yet.

SAM When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose, right?

RANDY That's a cheerful thought. Let's go make ourselves available.

Randy winks and heads into the crush of bodies in the gym. Sam sighs and follows. INT. GYM - ANOTHER ANGLE - SAM - INFRARED SIGHT We see Sam moving through the gym through an infrared scope. A little spook music accompanies.

GEEK (V.O.) That's the one, dude.

SCENE 68^

The freshman boy's section of the gym. The guys who don't date yet. Weenies in their party finest. Among them is the Geek and his buddies Cliff and Bryce. We recognize the source of the infrared light in the previous scene as we see the Geek wearing night vision goggles. He removes the complex device from his face and gives them to Cliff. He puts them on.

GEEK Scope it out.

CLIFF She doesn't look like a freshman.

GEEK (proud, cool) Sophomore, dude. Fully aged sopho- more meat. We do the bus together.

BRYCE (looks at the Geek, incredulous) You've talked to her?

GEEK Talked? Shit, dude, I got a relationship with her figured to seventeen digits.

Cliff and Bryce are amazed. He lowers the goggles and lets them hang around his neck.

CLIFF You lie.

GEEK Who lies? By night's end I predict me and her will ... interface.

Cliff and Bryce stare at the Geek as if he's just told him he's going to walk on water.

GEEK Check it out.

The Geek cools up his hair and heads for Sam. Cliff and Bryce watch for a moment, then slip on a personal radio communicator of the variety SWAT teams and football coaches use.

CLIFF Pretty intense, huh? Over.

BRYCE Whacked to the max. Over.

SCENE 69^

Sam's watching Jake and Caroline slow dancing. Randy's talking with friends. Sam's imagining herself in Caroline's place.

SCENE 70^

HER POINT OF VIEW - JAKE turns to camera and looks directly at Sam.

SCENE 71^

SAM She's caught! Her mouth drops open in alarm. She quickly turns to the nearest boy and grabs him to cover the fact that she was ogling Jake. To her ultimate horror, she's grabbed the Geek. He takes her actions as confirmation that she's hot for his bod. The DJ segues into a rocker. DJ She rolls into a rocker. GEEK

GEEK (cool and confident) Awright! I knew you'd come around.

He yanks her out on the dance floor. Keeping one hand firmly in hers, he does a moon dance. Sam is stunned and speechless at yet another tragedy in her life.

GEEK (looking over his shoulder to DJ) Crank it, sister!

DJ She pulls a record out of her hair and angrily whips it down at the Geek. GEEK The Geek ducks the record and throws his head back. He lets out a spirited yelp.

GEEK Very hot! The night is happening!

The Geek's enthusiastic grin dissolves.

GEEK What's the matter?

SCENE 72^

SAM She's standing as still as a statue on the dance floor. Tears are streaming down her face.

SCENE 73^

GEEK He thinks Sam's crying tears of happiness. He gives her his idea of a sexy smile.

GEEK I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?

He executes an embarrassing spin and lets out a liberated shriek.

GEEK And I'm just getting warmed up!

He steps back, hurls himself in the air and lands on the floor on his back. CLOSEUP - GEEK He's in terrible pain, laying on the floor.

GEEK I'm ... okay, babe.

SCENE 74^

Sam bursts out of the gym in tears and runs across the lobby and down a dark hallway.

SCENE 75^

Sam slows down and stops. She rests her head against a locker. She's sobbing with tears of hurt and anger. She slams her fist against the locker.

SAM Damn!

She turns around and slides down the locker.

SAM I hate myself.

SCENE 76^

The Geek limps back to the Weenie Wall. Cliff and Bryce chide him about losing Sam.

CLIFF (with a laugh) Way to go, dickface. She took off.

The Geek improvises an excuse.

GEEK Don't you know anything about girls? They get hyper when you come on hard. I told you I'd interface with her and I will. She grabbed me, dog lips. Don't worry. The situation will come on-line. Don't spaz-out, weasel.

CLIFF I'll bet you a dozen floppy disks you don't even get tit.

GEEK You got a bet, scumbag. I'll get it all.

GEEK I'm sorry, man. Whatever I did was an accident.

JAKE Relax.

The Geek makes a very exaggerated effort to look relaxed.

JAKE You were dancing with a girl.

GEEK I'm sorry. I totally lost my head. I must have been on drugs.

JAKE Do you know her?

GEEK She grabbed me, guy. I'm totally innocent. Is she yours?

Jake shakes his head. The Geek breathes a sigh of relief.

JAKE What do you know about her?

The Geek relaxes and begins to feel like Jake's his buddy. He is, after all, talking girls with him.

GEEK She's kind of quiet. Weenie-tits but anything more than a mouthful's a waste. Good face, decent voice, smells pretty good, drives me schizo. I'm an old poon dog though, so anything with four legs and a tail makes me go ape-shit.

JAKE (impatient with Geek's jive) Did she come here with you?

GEEK No, but if it's okay with my dad, she's going home with me.

Jake nods and walks away. The Geek feels like a million bucks. He continues across the gym. On his way, he passes Dong who's slow dancing to a rocker with a six foot, two inch girl, The Lumberjack. She's stocky and tough, wearing painter's pants, a flannel shirt and black hightops. Dong lovingly rests his head on her huge breast as they dance. He reaches-his hand out of the neck of her shirt and pushes his glasses up on his nose.

SCENE 77^

Sam's sitting on the floor with her back against the lockers. She hears footsteps and looks down the hall. HER POINT OF VIEW - CAROLINE AND TWO OF HER FRIENDS are walking down the hall, passing a joint between them. They are Tracy and Robin.

TRACY Do you wanna blow this dance off? I'm bored to the brink of insanity.

ROBIN And go where?

CAROLINE (mischievously) Jake's parents aren't home. We can do his house.

SCENE 78^

SAM She watches and listens, pained by their boundless good fortune. The girl with everything approaches the girl with nothing.

SCENE 79^

Caroline notices Sam sitting on the floor. Sam ducks her head.

CAROLINE (pleasant) How's it goin'?

Sam looks up. She shrugs her shoulders and rubs her damp nose.

SAM (clears her throat) Good.

The girls continue down the hall. Sam watches.

CAROLINE Let's party light though. Jake's a paranoid about his parents' house getting trashed.

The girls giggle.

BOTH Again!

SCENE 80^

SAM She shakes her head realizing haw far her dreams are from reality. She pulls herself up and wipes the tears from her cheeks. She heads back to the gym.

SCENE 81^

Long Duk Dong has taken over the DJ's mike and is doing an Oriental rap. The crowd is going crazy for him. He's such a total asshole, they love him. He feeds on their cruel adoration. INT. GYM - WEENIE WALL The freshman boys, the Geek's gang, are breaking. Real bad, white suburban breaking. They're spinning around on their backs, banging into the wall, chairs, tables, other people. INT. GYM - DONG He throws his head back and shrieks.

DONG God bless America!

A couple of spinster teachers and a middle-aged parent couple stare in frozen horror at what's become of the dance.

SCENE 82^

Randy's found a guy, Jimmy Montrose. He's a semipopular, semihandsome guy. He's holding her hand as they sit on the gym bleachers watching Dong. Sam's with them, resting her chin on her knees. Her eyes are red from crying and she has the sniffles.

JIMMY That guy's great. He's totally fucked. Where's he from?

SAM The south side of Mars.

JIMMY You know him?

SAM He's my date.

Jimmy's mouth drops open. The Geek returns and slides down the bleachers next to Sam.

GEEK I'm back.

Sam looks at him wearily.

SAM So I smell.

GEEK That's my shave cream. Wanna feel a clean, close shave?

SAM I'll pass. You couldn't find anybody else to bug, huh?

GEEK You're the one I want to bug.

SAM (introduces Randy) This is my friend Randy and that's Jimmy Montrose.

GEEK Howdy, dude.

SAM (introduces the Geek) This is Farmer Fred.

GEEK My name's Ted.

SAM Sorry. This is Farmer Ted.

GEEK I'm not a farmer. I work at ComputerLand.

Jimmy's totally disinterested. Randy feels sorry for Sam.

RANDY Wimp? Can I be honest with you?

GEEK Not if you're going to insult me.

RANDY Okay.

GEEK Shoot.

RANDY Get the fuck out of here.

GEEK Nice manners.

Jimmy looks around Randy to the Geek.

JIMMY She's totally serious, asswipe.

GEEK Okay. Fine. Don't freak. (to Sam, with his eye on his buddies across the gym) You wanna split with me?

SAM Okay.

The Geek is expecting rejection. He misunderstands her.

GEEK I just thought I'd ... Huh?!

Sam stands. The Geek rises slowly.

SAM (to Randy and Jimmy) I'll catch you guys later.

The Geek's dumbfounded. So is Randy. Sam heads for the door. The Geek stumbles after her. Randy's disturbed by the action.

RANDY This is so sad.

SCENE 83^

He watches Sam and the Geek exit. He's curious and a little confused.

SCENE 84^

The Geek feels a little foolish.

SAM It's been a real shitty birthday for me. No offense, but I don't need a serenade right now.

GEEK (concerned) What's wrong? You didn't get anything good?

SAM I didn't get shit. Not even a 'happy birthday'. My whole family blew it off.

The Geek is horrified.

GEEK I'd freak if my family forgot my birthday.

Sam stretches out on the hood.

SAM It's a brand new year. It's my birthday. I'm sixteen. Everything should be platinum. I should be happy. Right?

The Geek agrees.

SAM I can't get happy. It's physically impossible for me to get happy.

The Geek looks at her curiously.

GEEK You're frigid?

Sam stares blankly at him. Appalled at his nerve.

SAM No.

SAM (Cont'd) (second thoughts) Well, I guess I could be. It'd fit in just fine with all my other bummers.

GEEK I'm fairly knowledgeable about the female reproductive organs if you want to shoot me a question.

SAM Just shut up, okay? I'm not really in the mood to discuss this kind of stuff with you. It's none of your business.

Sam pulls her legs up and rests her chin on her knees.

GEEK (nervously) Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets?

SAM I'm not in the mood to get grossed- out.

GEEK We're not talking gross. Just embar- rassing.

The Geek clears his throat and scratches his ear. He steels himself and boldly reveals his secret.

GEEK (dead serious) I've never had sexual intercourse.

Sam stares at him for a beat, then lets out a horse laugh. She can't help herself. It's so obvious he's a virgin.

GEEK (laughs) I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Sam howls with laughter.

GEEK (crosses his heart) I swear to God. I've never even had hand contact.

Sam manages to control herself. She wipes her nose on her sleeve and shakes out her hair.

GEEK I appreciate your not laughing at me.

Sam bursts into laughter again. The Geek laughs.

GEEK That's not what I meant. I meant ....

He suddenly takes her in his arms and holds her close. She stops laughing. She clears her throat.

SAM Uh, time out, junior.

He lets her go and feels like a fool for his sudden attack.

GEEK Excuse me.

He sits back against the windshield, frightened and embarrassed.

GEEK I'm really sorry.

Sam isn't offended or angry. She's slightly flattered and understands completely how he feels. She realizes his plight isn't too far removed from hers.

SAM It's okay.

The Geek smiles and grabs her again.

SAM I meant it's okay that you did it before but I didn't mean for you to do it again. Okay?

He lets her go. Sam gives him a warm, reassuring smile.

SAM Just now I felt how much you like me.

GEEK You're probably zoning in on my brain waves.

SAM I don't think so. I felt it on my leg.

The Geek thinks about what she said for a second and then reaches in his pocket. Sam's mouth drops open. She thinks he's going to expose himself.

SAM (repulsed) I don't want to see it.

The Geek pulls out a roll of Certs. Sam's relieved.

SAM Sorry if I embarrassed you.

GEEK (misunderstands her) I'm not embarrassed. Fresh breath is a priority in my life.

Sam smiles at his honesty and innocence. And his interest.

SAM I don't want to hurt your feelings because it's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.

GEEK I care about it. I swear to God. I know I come on kind of like an asshole on the bus and tonight but that's mainly just so my friends won't think I'm a dink.

SAM They're all pretty much dinks though, aren't they?

GEEK I guess. But I'm kind of the leader. I'm like the King of the Dipshits.

SAM That's pretty cool. But you're still a freshman. A lot can happen in a year. You could come back next fall as a totally normal person.

GEEK (hopeful) Yeah?

SAM For sure.

The Geek turns serious. He takes a deep breath.

GEEK Would it be totally off the wall if I asked if I could have sex with you?

Sam sighs and smiles. She nods.

GEEK Sorry. I thought so. I know that isn't the standard method guys use to score poon. But I'm like, you know, kind of a rookie.

SAM You asking me is not as off the wall as why I won't.

GEEK VD?

SAM I'm kind of in love. (laughs at herself) It's really stupid. He doesn't even know me. Jake Ryan?

GEEK (surprised) You like Jake?

Sam's embarrassed.

GEEK I just talked to him in the gym. He asked me about you.

Sam's mouth drops open. She wonders if she heard the Geek right.

GEEK He asked what you were like.

SAM He did not.

GEEK Cross my heart.

SAM (to herself) Oh, my God. (to the Geek) If you're lying I'll beat the crap out of you.

GEEK I'm not lying! I swear on a stack of Bibles.

SAM I can't believe this! I'm freaking!

She grabs her purse. She's giddy and confused. Her mind and her mouth is going double speed.

SAM Should I go back to the gym? And like go up to him and sort of say, 'Hi, Jake?' Or is it better to let him come to me?

GEEK This isn't really my department.

SAM But what if I decide to let him come to me and he forgets? Or what if he changes his mind? Then I'm screwed, right?

GEEK Apparently.

SAM What would you do if you were me?

GEEK I'm a gambling man by nature. I'd go for it.

SAM This is so strange. But I'll take it.

The biggest smile she's ever had spreads across her face. She kisses the Geek's cheek.

SAM You're the best.

She slides off the car.

GEEK Wait!

SAM What

GEEK Do you know anything about floppy disks?

SAM (impatient) We'll talk about it on the bus, okay?

GEEK Well, I've got kind of a problem. Floppy disks are pretty expensive. And I made a bet ... (scared) I bet my friend that I'd do it with you.

Sam puts her hands on her hips angrily and stares him down.

GEEK This was before I knew you as a person. I told him I'd get proof and I can get it without actually getting physical.

SAM· (suspicous) How?

GEEK (choked, cracking voice) Could I borrow your underpants for about ten minutes?

Sam's eyes open in shock.

SAM What?!

SCENE 85^

It's slow dance time. Randy is snuggled comfortably in the crook of Jimmy's shoulder. As they dance past she discreetly picks a piece of his sweater fuzz off her tongue. Rock is dancing with Patty. He's holding her a foot off the ground. Dong and the Lumberjack waltz past, joined at the lip. He takes his handkerchief out of his pocket and deftly blows his nose without breaking the kiss. Caroline has Jake's neck in a vacuum suck lock. He's scanning the dance floor for Sam. Caroline releases him with a wet pop and kisses his lips.

CAROLINE I think it's time to blow this thing off and go to your house.

JAKE (not paying attention) Huh?

CAROLINE I told Tracy and Robin and those guys to come over to your parent's house. Okay?

Jake nods. He isn't listening to her.

CAROLINE I told them not to tell anybody. (snuggles him) I love when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I'm your wife and we're like the richest, most popular adults in town. (kisses his neck) I owe all my great weekends to you.

She notices he's not paying attention.

CAROLINE What's your problem?

JAKE Huh?

CAROLINE You've been acting weird all night. (suspicious) Are you screwing around?

Jake is startled that she's on to him. He reacts with obvious guilt.

JAKE (voice cracks) Me? (nervous chuckles) Are you crazy?

CAROLINE I don't know, Jake. I'm getting strange signals.

JAKE They're not coming from me. Every- thing's fine. Don't have a cow.

CAROLINE Okay. But just remember one thing. I can name twenty guys who'd kill to love me.

Jake regards her remark as another indictment of their loveless relationship. He takes offense to her issuing threats.

JAKE Is that a threat?

CAROLINE (cold and serious) It's a fact, Jake.

The song ends. Caroline backs off. She takes Jake's hand. She's made her point and feels confident that he's been sufficiently warned.

CAROLINE (sweet and conciliatory) Before we get into a big ugly fight, let's take off.

SCENE 86^

Sam's practicing her moves and trying out ploys to speak to Jake.

SAM (chirpy, cheerful) Hi, Jake! I'm Samantha. How's it goin'?

She doesn't like that.

SAM (sultry) Got a cigarette? (straight- forward) This will seem incredibly dumb, Jake, but I love you and I'll do anything to make you love me. (another try) I love your shirt. (a final ploy) Jake, you're not going to believe this, but I had this very weird dream and you were in it.

She decides on the last remark. She likes it. She feels confident. She pats her hair, takes a deep breath, musters her courage and walks back into the gym.

SCENE 87^

He's at a clothes rack looking for Caroline's coat.

SCENE 88^

She spies Jake and nervously moves toward him. She rehearses in her head what she's going to say. She raises her arm to tap his shoulder. The music stops. He turns around with Caroline's blazer and is as shocked to see Sam as she is to see him. He quickly adjusts to the situation and puts on his best and sexiest smile. Sam's courage evaporates, she panics and rather than faint, throw up or say something incredibly stupid, she keeps on walking. The music starts again. A new tune. Jake is bewildered. The haste with which she departed looks to him like rejection.

JAKE (incredulous) She hates me! I gave her all my teeth and she blew me off ....

SCENE 89^

SAM She slices through the crowd of kids to the end of the bleachers and around behind them. She grabs her head in anger and embarrassment.

SAM I'm totally retarded! He smiles and I spaz. I'm blitzed! I don't deserve him.

SCENE 90^

He helps Caroline on with her blazer. He's still cursing himself. He looks down the bleachers to try and catch a glimpse of Sam.

CAROLINE Are you blushing?

JAKE Hell, no. Why would I do that?

CAROLINE I don't know. You tell me.

JAKE Maybe I just need some party action.

Caroline smiles with relief.

CAROLINE Oh, thank God. You're normal again.

Caroline walks on ahead. Jake rolls his eyes and hangs back for one last look at the gym.

JAKE (sighs) I want that girl ....

SCENE 91^

Sam peeks around the bleachers and sees Jake and Caroline leaving.

SAM I'm such a faggot. Such a complete weasel.

She rests her chin on the bleachers and closes her eyes.

SAM And I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

SCENE 92^

A Freshman sneaks up to the door and knocks softly. The door opens and Cliff looks out.

CLIFF What year are you?

FRESHMAN Freshman.

CLIFF Gimme a buck.

The Freshman hands Cliff a five. Cliff takes a fat wad of singles from his pocket and counts out four in change.

SCENE 93^

The bathroom is jammed with shrimpy freshman boys. They're all talking excitedly. Bryce flashes the lights.

BRYCE Okay, everybody, shut up!

The room quiets down.

CLIFF Ted? Go for it, man.

A stall door slowly opens and the Geek steps out. Heraldic music comes up. With great drama and showmanship, the Geek holds up Sam's tiny, baby blue Garfield the cat panties. The freshmen gasp in awe and drop to their knees.

SCENE 94^

She's putting on her coat. She's had enough. Randy's hanging on Jimmy. She feels for Sam and is trying to convince her to stay.

RANDY Where are you gonna go?

SAM I'll wait in the car until Duck Dork gets danced out.

RANDY Don't do that. Stay here with us.

SAM No. I gotta get outta here before anything else terrible happens ..

RANDY No offense, but what more could happen?

SCENE 95^

It's dark and spooky. We hear the chilling, ominous opening bars of the Jaws Theme. A beat and Grandpa Fred peeks around the corner. Then Dorothy, Howard and Helen. The grandparents are invading the dance! DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 96^

Dong's driving, Sam's in the passenger seat and the Lumberjack's in the middle, tucked up tight against her new- found Korean beau. Dong has his arm around her and is driving with one finger. Sam's depressed and embarrassed. The Lumberjack turns to Sam and chucks her on the arm.

LUMBERJACK I think I played intermural B-ball with you last year. You were the one who dribbles like a girl.

SAM (forces a smile) That's me.

The Lumberjack nods.

LUMBERJACK Hey, listen, thanks for loaning me the Donger. He's bitchin'.

SAM It's okay, you guys make a great couple.

The Lumberjack looks at Dong. They exchange loving looks.

DONG I never been so more happy in my entire whole life.

LUMBERJACK (embarrassed) You maniac!

DON I have now a place to put my hands!

Sam rolls her eyes and slumps further down in the seat. The Lunberjack lets out an earthy yelp, as Dong gooses her.

SCENE 97^

The Oldsmobile screams into the drive-in at fifty-five mph, loc~s up the brakes and skids into a tight spot between two other cars, miraculously avoiding them both. Dong throws open his door, banging the car next to him. He yanks the Lumberjack out and they head for the restaurant. Parked outside is a motorcycle. Dong and Lumberjack admire it.

LUMBERJACK Kawasaki.

DONG You're welcome.

SCENE 98^

Jimmy Montrose's car pulls in behind the Olds. Randy gets out and hurries to Sam's window. Sam looks up. Randy leans in the window. She's upset.

RANDY Sam? Are you sitting down?

Sam looks over at her. Of course she's sitting down.

RANDY I don't want to depress you.

Sam covers her head and slumps down in the seat.

SAM What now?

SCENE 99^

Sam's mouth is wide open. She's stunned. Randy feels terrible about having to be the bearer of bad news.

RANDY Be thankful you got out of there before your grandparents showed up.

SAM (stunned monotone) Oh, my God.

RANDY It was pretty weird. They told every- body baby stories about you.

SAM Oh, my God.

RANDY Your grandfather who always makes the shitty jokes hijacked the mike and sang some really bizarre songs.

SAM Oh, my God.

RANDY The good news is, they pretty much trashed the dance. Everybody kind of took off like right away.

Randy puts a consoling arm around Sam. She can't think of anything encouraging to say.

SAM I'm infected.

RANDY Just forget about it, okay? Come with me and Jimmy. There's a monster party over at Jake Ryan's.

Sam looks at Randy like she's crazy.

SAM I'm sure I'd go over there. For what? Hyperhumiliation?

RANDY You gotta stop torturing yourself.

SAM I'm not doing anything to me!

RANDY I mean about Jake. What you should do is go with us, okay? Maybe Jake'll get shitfaced and act dis- gusting and you'll lose interest in him. Remember last summer how bad I had a crush on that guy from Maine? I had a hard-on every waking minute until he puked on my feet. For the rest of the summer, everytime I saw him I gagged.

SAM I think Jake could puke anywhere on me and it wouldn't bother me.

RANDY I don't know, Sam. It's pretty valid. I thought I'd die for this guy but when it came right down to it, my feet were more important.

Sam shakes her head no.

SAM No, thanks. (sniffles) I can't believe I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. You know how many times I'm going to have to smile? I'll probably get a facial hernia.

The bathroom door slams open and the Lumberjack clomps in.

LUMBERJACK Hi, dudes.

Randy and Sam wave. Lumberjack goes into a stall. Sam jumps down off the sink. Randy gives her a hug.

RANDY If you want some company, I'll tell Jimmy I just got my period.

SAM It's okay. I'm fine.

Randy kissess her cheek. She starts to leave. From the stall we hear the Lumberjack going. It sounds like a horse. Randy and Sam exchange puzzled glances. They bend over and look under the stall.

SCENE 100^

THEIR POINT OF VIEW - THE LUMBERJACK'S HIGHTOPS are in front of the toilet, pointing in. She's going standing up.

Dong is still looking at the bike. He climbs on it. Pre- tends to drive it. As he dismounts, he kicks the engine over. The bike flies into the parking lot.

The meanest-looking biker in the world comes out with his old lady on his arm. He sees his bike in a heap in the parking lot.

SCENE 101^

It's very stately and sedate. Jim and Brenda, Ginny and her fiance, Rudy and his parents, Bruno and Irene have finished dinner and are enjoying after-dinner drinks. Bruno looks like a retired prize fighter. He's wearing a black polyester leisure suit with white stitching, an egg yellow silk shirt, a gold nugget on a chain and a massive diamond pinkie ring. Irene's wearing a dress fit for a madame. Her bleached pink/blonde hair is styled in a fashion that would shame a country singer. They are a bellowing contrast to the blue blazers and monogram blouses of the members. Between puffs on his Havana, Bruno explains to a nervous and worried Jim, what business he's in.

BRUNO Basically, Jimmy, my business is video game arcades, laundry, cigarette machines and trucking. I dabble a little in personal loans and politics.

JIM (changing the subject) Well, all that matters is that the kids are happy together.

IRENE Just so long as my beautiful boy remembers that marrying this one ... (jerks her thumb to Ginny) ... means he's out of the 'Girl-of- the-Month-Club.'

She chuckles.

RUDY I can still look, I just can't touch. (to Ginny) Right?

She forces a smile.

SCENE 102^

A million dollars of contemporary field stone and glass on a wooded. acre. Cars are jammed up in the driveway, on the lawn, in the woods. Elegant streams of toilet paper hang from the trees. Every light in the house is on. Windows are open, music is blasting.

SCENE 103^

A magnificent cook's kitchen. A thoroughly raped refrigerator/ freezer is empty and open. There are bottles and cans covering every inch of available space. Drunk kids are weaving in and out, kissing, shouting, fighting. One bemused youth is trying to put out a fire in the oven. He pops a beer can, drinks some, pours some on the fire, drinks the rest. Pops another. Caroline staggers in.

CAROLINE (drunk) Has anybody seen Jake?

KID Who's Jake?

CAROLINE This is his house, asshole!

SCENE 104^

Jake's parent's vacation videos are playing on the giant screen. Kids are howling at the home movies. The room's a disaster. People are piled on the furniture, pizza boxes are overturned on silk Orientals. Two boys are dancing with each other. A drunken hulk is eating a raw slab of sirloin. A drunk sick kid is sitting on a chair with a Ming vase between his knees. Caroline weaves in.

CAROLINE You people are huge pigs! Look at what you've done to Jake's house!

She steps up on a coffee table and looks around for Jake.

CAROLINE Jakey!

SCENE 105^

All the pool furniture is in the pool along with a bunch of rude, wild kids, clothed, semiclothed and nude. They're beating the water as one of them stands on the side, pouring liquid dish detergent in the water to make a huge bubble bath of the pool. Caroline stumbles in.

CAROLINE Jake! (sees the bubbles) Outrageous! I love bubble baths!

SCENE 106^

A drunk Girl in panties and bra is talking to a drunk guy.

GIRL Okay, Okay ... is this what you want?

She unfastens her bra and flashes the guy. He nods yes. She closes the bra.

GIRL That's not what you want.

Caroline wanders past yelling for Jake.

CAROLINE Jake! Goddamnit!

A bedroom door opens and Tracy and Robin come out wearing Jake's mother's furs. They grab Caroline.

TRACY These coats are so excellent! Can we have 'em?

ROBIN I'll be your best friend forever, even when I'm dead.

CAROLINE I think Jake's mom might freak out if you ripped off her coats.

TRACY She won't mind, I swear to God.

CAROLINE Are you sure?

TRACY Cross my heart.

CAROLINE Okay. But you gotta tell me where Jake is.

Tracy and Robin points feebly down the hall.

CAROLINE Tell me truthfully. Is he with somebody?

SCENE 107^

CLOSEUP - SAMANTHA'S YEARBOOK PICTURE A typical sweet-smile pose. A boy's finger traces down the page to her name.

SCENE 108^

In contrast to his guests, Jake's sober. He closes the yearbook and tosses it on his bed. He picks up the phone and dials information.

JAKE (to the phone) Can I have the number of a Samantha Baker in Northfield? If she doesn't have a phone number can you give me all the Bakers or do I have to call back? It's im ... (repeats after the operator) 555-1740. Thanks.

He hangs up and writes the number down. He picks up the phone and dials. He unconsciously fixes his hair. He clears his throat.

SCENE 109^

Sam's phone rings in the darkened bedroom. It rings and rings. Finally Dorothy stirs.

SCENE 110^

He's growing impatient.

JAKE Damn! Come on, answer.

SCENE 111^

Dorothy feels around for the phone. It rings a couple more times before she picks it up.

SCENE 112^

He gives up.

JAKE Aw, fuck me!

He slams the phone down.

SCENE 113^

Dorothy sits up in bed with the phone to her ear, staring quizzically. Howard sits up.

HOWARD Who is it?

Dorothy's too shocked to answer.

HOWARD What did they want?

DOROTHY (looks at Howard) Sex.

SCENE 114^

He puts the phone back and curses.

JAKE Shit!

There's a knock on his door.

CAROLINE (O.C.) Jake? Are you hiding?

He reaches out and unlocks the door. Caroline falls into the room. She lays on her back, laughing. Jake is unamused.

CAROLINE I fell!

JAKE It's that funny, huh?

CAROLINE How come the door was locked?

JAKE You're shitfaced!

CAROLINE Nooo!

She cracks herself up again. Jake stands.

JAKE Did you make sure nobody else got in the house?

Caroline sits up on her elbows and nods.

JAKE Good. Is the house demolished?

Caroline looks at him for a moment, fighting off a smile. Finally she snorts and lets out a horse laugh. Jake jumps up and tears out of the room.

CAROLINE He's grounded for the next twenty- five thousand years.

She collapses with laughter.

SCENE 115^

The Oldsmobile races up, locks brakes and skids into the curb. The passenger door opens and Sam gets out. The Olds squeals away. Sam watches it disappear into the night.

SAM The Donger's in town five hours and he's got somebody. I live here all my life and I'm like a disease.

SCENE 116^

Sam reaches into the mailbox for the house key. As she opens the door it occurs to her, that the family may be planning to surprise her.

She opens the door quietly and slips in.

SCENE 117^

Sam closes the door softly. She's smiling, thinking she has it all figured out. She takes off her jacket and tiptoes into the living room.

SCENE 118^

Sam looks around the dark room. She turns on a light and braces herself for the big surprise. Nothing. Sitting on the couch is a neat stack of bedding -- sheets, blanket and pillow. Another unconscious, unintentional jab at Sam's lonely heart. Everyone in the house is asleep.

SAM (sadly) This is just excellent.

She walks to the couch and knocks over the pile of bedding. She grabs a sheet and throws it open.

SCENE 119^

Jake stands in the midst of the riot going on in his parent's house. He's resigned to it and the consequences he knows he'll have to face. Caroline comes up into frame, crawling up his body as he stands stiff and tall. She snakes her arms around his neck.

CAROLINE You're the only one at the party who isn't having a party. Don't you like to party anymore?

He looks at her passively. He plants his hand squarely on her face and gives her a gentle shove. She keels over and crashes to the floor.

SCENE 120^

The Oldsmobile roars up the.driveway with a flat tire. It rams straight into a parked car. Dong and the Lumberjack climb out. The drive-in tray is still attached to the car window. A beat and the back door opens and the biker and his old lady get out and saunter up to the house.

SCENE 121^

He's dialing Sam's number again. He waits as it rings.

SCENE 122^

Caroline crawls up the hall.

CAROLINE Jake? Sweetie pie? I love you. Where are you, Jake?

She stops at his door and looks in.

CAROLINE Jakey? Have you stopped loving me?

SCENE 123^

He angrily kicks his door shut.

SCENE 124^

Caroline's nose is half an inch from the closed door. She sighs and turns to crawl back to the party. She discovers that her hair's stuck in the door. She tugs. No good. She knocks.

JAKE (O.C.) Get outta here!

CAROLINE I can't, honey, sweetie, asshole.

Robin and Tracy stagger up the hall, still wearing the coats.

CAROLINE Trace? Can you help me?

TRACY What's wrong?

CAROLINE Several things.

SCENE 125^

Dorothy and Howard sit up again. Howard grabs the phone.

HOWARD Hello!

SCENE 126^

He's shocked at the angry greeting. He looks at the number he's written down. We can hear Howard yelling over the phone.

HOWARD'S VOICE Who is this?! I know you're there! I can hear you breathing!

Jake swallows hard, summons his courage and speaks to Howard.

JAKE Yes. Hello, sir. I wonder if you could be so kind as to tell me if I am indeed reaching the party I wish to reach.

HOWARD'S VOICE Are you the little bugger who's been calling here and hanging up?

JAKE That must have been some other little bugger, sir. I've been at church. Would this possibly be the home of a Miss Samantha Baker? And if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?

HOWARD'S VOICE Yes it is and no you may not.

JAKE Might I leave a message?

Howard covers the phone.

HOWARD He wants to leave a message for Sam.

DOROTHY Give me that phone.

Howard turns the phone over to Dorothy.

DOROTHY Now you listen to me, mister. God didn't put me on this earth to be awakened with filthy suggestions from a rude-mouth hooligan like you. As for our granddaughter, she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you. Good night and good-bye!

She slams the phone down and looks at Howard.

DOROTHY It's a good thing Sam has us, Howard.

HOWARD Even if she doesn't always appreciate us.

Dorothy gives Howard a peck on the cheek. He turns off the light.

SCENE 127^

The Geek, Bryce and Cliff are walking up Jake's driveway. Bryce's beeper goes off.

BRYCE Shit! That's my mom. I gotta get home.

GEEK Change your frequency, okay? Don't be such a wimp. This is a great social opportunity for us.

CLIFF We'll get pounded if we go to a senior party.

GEEK Hey, we've got seventy bucks and a pair of girl's underwear. We're safe as kittens.

Bryce takes off his beeper and fiddles with it.

BRYCE I changed my frequency when we saw Flock of Seagulls and I got grounded for a month.

A car load of kids flies by.

SCENE 128^

The Geek, Bryce and Cliff reach the front door. They're bubbling with excitement at being moments from an out of control senior party.

GEEK Don't embarrass me, okay?

BRYCE For sure, we won't.

GEEK Be polite to his parents.

The Geek rings the bell. A beat and it opens. A very drunk and silly Dong looks out.

DONG Come on in and party hearty dude persons.

SCENE 129^

The biker is sitting on the window seat with his thirty- fifth beer in his paw. He's drunk and sullen. A bombed but still perky girl Megan, is trying to make conversation. She's apparently oblivious to his dangerous look.

MEGAN So, what school do you go to?

The biker looks at her through half-closed lids.

MEGAN (fast) If I had to guess I'd say St. Anthony's 'cause all the guys there are like totally into the leather and metal thing.

The biker holds his incredulous stare and curls an angry lip revealing a horrifying mouthful of decayed teeth.

MEGAN (fast) I don't mean to be obnoxious but you really should consider an orthodonist. My orthodonist is the best. He's amazingly gorgeous and he doesn't have hairy hands. It is so gross to have disgusting hairy men's hands in your mouth, and ....

The biker puts his cigarette out in his mouth, momentarily silencing the girl.

MEGAN Didn't that hurt?

We move off the biker to his old lady sitting next to him. She's drinking a bottle of beer. There's a jock sitting next to her. He's checking her out. She looks at him. He raises a seductive eyebrow. She pushes the bottle into her mouth and twists it slowly back and forth in an even more seductive gesture. The jock's eyes light up. He smiles. The biker's old lady leans forward. The jock leans forward to meet her. The biker's old lady bites the end off the bottle and chews the glass. The jock's face register's total fear. He backs away.

SCENE 130^

The light are low, make-out time. Bodies are spread across the furniture and the floor. A soft core porno picture is playing on the big screen TV. A piece of hurled pizza slaps the screen and sticks on the image of a naked female rump.

SCENE 131^

The Geek, Cliff and Bryce sit on either side of Rock. All three are bombed. Rock motions to the screen with his huge hand.

ROCK That's Jake's parents.

The Geek, Cliff and Bryce Chinese their eyes.

CLIFF Outrageous!

ROCK I've seen this thing about ten times. You got a video recorder?

GEEK No.

ROCK You got parents?

GEEK Sure.

ROCK You get 'em a video recorder and I'll come over.

GEEK (flattered) You'd come over to my house?

ROCK Got anything good to eat?

GEEK Sure.

ROCK Okay, after here, we'll go to your place.

The Geek's eyes open wide with terror. He tries to slip away. Rock puts his arm around his neck.

ROCK You know, under normal circumstances, I'd pull out your eyes and piss on your brain little dude. But since you volunteered your house and your hospitality, I think I'll let you live. (hands him a beer) Anybody offer you a brew?

The Geeknervously takes the beer. He's obviously never drunk in his life.

ROCK Tip it. First one's free.

The Geek puts the beer to his lips. He closes his eyes and throws the can back. He holds the can back, but doesn't swallow. He groans and slowly lowers the can. As he takes it away from his sickly face we see a soggy cigarette butt clenched in his teeth and tobacco sprinkles and ash on his lips.

ROCK Sap.

SCENE 132^

The crowd has decided on a course of action to free Caroline.

TRACY Okay! Everybody shut up! I have to concentrate, okay?

She kneels down beside Caroline.

TRACY You promise you won't get mad?

CAROLINE No. I love you.

Her friend produces a pair of kitchen shears.

TRACY Close your eyes.

Caroline closes her eyes and her friend cuts her free.

CAROLINE I don't know how to thank you enough.

She hugs her friend and we see the full extent of the damage. One side of her head is long, blonde hair, the other is clipped to the ear. The crowd in the hallway lets out a spirited cheer. DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 133^

She's sound asleep. Like an angel.

SCENE 134^

Brenda's asleep. There's an empty spot next to her in the bed. Jim's sitting in the window, staring at a family portrait.

SCENE 135^

CLOSEUP - PORTRAIT It's Jim and Brenda, Mike, Sara, Ginny and Sam.

SCENE 136^

CLOSEUP - JIM He smiles at the fond memories the pictures stirs. He leans back against the wall and closes his eyes. A beat and he slowly opens his eyes. He looks at the picture again. He's suddenly very troubled. He looks at the dial of his watch.

JIM Oh, Jesus! It's Sam's birthday.

SCENE 137^

The few cars remaining pull out, leaving a trashed lawn and an even more trashed house.

A mournful blues number plays as we begin a sad tour of the revaged house in the kitchen where we see that every edible item has been consumed. The cupboards are bare. The refrigerator is open and empty. There are cartons, cans and rubbish everywhere.

The dining room table is completely covered by a pyramid of beer cans. The pyramid collapses.

We move around the room to see that a painting that featured a face without eyes or a mouth has had eyes and mouth drawn in with a marking pen. An ancient mask in a plexi display case, lit by a pin spot has cigarettes up its nose and a slice of pizza on its forehead. A line of cigarettes have been left to burn out on the piano. A record album is laying inside a pizza box. We move off the box to find a pizza going around on the turntable. We move up to see the tape deck has a cassette jammed into it upside down. A hundred feet of tape is balled-up in the heads. On the ceiling is a big blob of dip with a potato chip stuck in it. As we reach Jake, he's sitting on the couch in the destroyed living room. He sighs and pops a beer. He takes a sip.

JAKE What a fuckin' disaster.

He sets the beer down on the coffee table. He sits back on· the couch. A beat and he bolts forward and gawks the coffee table.

SCENE 138^

HIS POINT OF VIEW - THE COFFEE TABLE is a heavy glass cube. Jake clears aside the rubbish on the table top to reveal the Geek's desperate, exasperated face. He's trapped inside the cube. He's frantic, pounding noiselessly on the glass.

SCENE 139^

Jake struggles and grunts to overturn the coffee table .. It rolls over on one side and the Geek takes a deep breath of fresh air.

JAKE (angry) What were you doing in there!?

GEEK Watching my life pass before my eyes.

The Geek pulls himself up and flops down on the couch.

GEEK Rock the jock put me inside that thing.

JAKE What for?

GEEK He gave me a choice of that or being handcuffed nude to the shopping cart return rack at the Jewel. I opted for death with dignity.

Jake shakes his head in anger.

JAKE He's a fucking asshole.

GEEK I think he could use a little sensi- tivity training.

The Geek looks around the room.

GEEK Your house got eighty-sixed. I'm sorry.

JAKE Yeah. Third time this year. I'm fucked for good.

The Geek nods his agreement.

GEEK I'll help you clean up.

JAKE Don't worry about it. We've got a housekeeper.

SCENE 140^

The frail, young Spanish housekeeper is smoking dope in bed with Dong and the Lumberjack.

DONG (stoned; drunk) I'm twice as happy as I ever been.

HOUSEKEEPER Si!

DONG Hai!

LUMBERJACK Very!

SCENE 141^

Jim creeps quietly down the stairs.

SCENE 142^

Sam's asleep. Jim walks into the living room. He stops and looks at Sam on the couch. He smiles as he watches her sleeping. He steps around to the couch and sits down. He hesitates for a moment before he pats her head. He's a man not accustomed to intimacy and affection.

JIM (whispers) Sam? Sweetheart?

She stirs and looks up at him.

SAM Daddy?

JIM Hi, kiddo.

SAM What's wrong?

JIM Everything's fine. I was just upstairs and I couldn't sleep and ... I feel like a real jerk, honey. We forgot your birthday.

Sam is pleased that he remembered.

JIM You gotta be burned up, huh?

Sam smiles understandingly.

SAM It's no big thing.

JIM This family can really foul things up.

SAM It's okay. I'm not all that upset anymore.

JIM How about a party? Not a family party. You have your friends. We'll stay the hell away. Whatever you want, honey. You let me know. Have it the way you want it. The way you want it.

She pulls herself up and kisses his cheek.

SAM Thanks, Daddy.

JIM No problem. Everything else okay?

Sam nods. Jim gives her a wink and a kiss on the forehead.

JIM See you in the morning.

He stands up and starts for the foyer. Sam whimpers to him.

SAM No.

She starts to cry. Jim turns around.

SAM It's not okay.

Jim hurries back to the couch. Sam throws her arms around him.

JIM What's wrong?

SAM I don't know. Everything.

JIM Everything what?

Sam sits back on the couch and quickly wipes away her tears.

SAM Everything, everything.

JIM Your birthday?

SAM No.

She's a little embarrassed to reveal the real reason she's crying.

SAM There's this boy.

JIM Oh, Lord. Is this something I should go get Mom for?

Sam shakes her head.

SAM No. I like this boy a real lot. And he doesn't like me.

JIM Are you nice to him?

SAM Daddy, I don't know. It's really stupid. It's not important.

JIM If you're crying over it, it's important.

SAM I like him so much and I just know I can't ever have him.

JIM Why not?

SAM Because I'm just a dork.

JIM A what?

SAM He's a senior and he's beautiful and he's got this great girl friend and I'm just blah.

JIM I don't think you're blah.

SAM Trust me, I am.

JIM Can I tell you a little story?

SAM About the Navy?

JIM No, it's a love story.

SAM Are you in it?

Jim nods. As bad as Sam feels, she cracks up at the thought of her father in love.

JIM This was awhile ago, I combed my hair different, I was young and fit and I didn't walk around the house in my undershorts. I was in college and I was head over heels in love with this girl.

Sam giggles.

JIM Don't hurt my feelings.

SAM Sorry.

JIM Anyway, she wouldn't even look at me. So I knew that if anything was going to happen, I'd have to make the first move.

SAM I just can't picture you making a move on a girl.

JIM Either could I. But after worrying about it for a couple of weeks, I finally got up the courage to go to the sorority house where she lived. I let her know I wanted to see her and she came down. I wanted to faint. She walked over to me and ....

SAM I think I know how this ends, Dad She turned out to be and you guys got married and had us.

JIM (shakes his head) No. She stomped on my foot so hard, she broke two toes. I met your mom at the hospital.

There's a pause as both Jim and Sam realize that his story has no relevance to Sam's situation.

JIM I guess that doesn't help you much, huh?

SAM Not really.

JIM Yeah. Well, if it's any consolation, I love you and if this guy can't see in you all the beautiful, wonderful things I see, he's got the problem.

SAM It just hurts.

JIM That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them some- thing else.

SAM If I were Ginny, I'd have this guy crawling on his knees.

JIM Let me tell you something about Ginny. I love her just as much as I love you. But she's a different person. I'm a little worried about her. When things come easy, you don't always appreciate them. You, I'm not worried. When it happens to you, Samantha, it'll be forever.

He leans over and kisses her forehead. He draws her close and hugs her. She kisses him and holds him as tight as he holds her.

JIM I won't be able to sleep unless I know I helped you out with this little talk, so would you be a sport and lie to me?

Sam giggles.

SAM Yeah, sure, Daddy.

Jim gives her a squeeze and a kiss on the forehead. He gets up and crosses to the foyer. He stops and turns back to her.

JIM One more thing, sweetheart. (pause) Where in the hell are your under- shorts?

SCENE 143^

CLOSEUP - SAM'S PANTIES A boy's hand carefully examines Sam's panties.

SCENE 144^

The Geek is sharing his treasure with Jake. Jake regards the panties with an almost religious reverence.

JAKE These are really hers?

The Geek nods proudly.

JAKE Did you pants her or something?

GEEK She gave them to me.

Jake looks curiously at the Geek.

JAKE Did you ... ?

Jake hand-signals intercourse.

GEEK Oh God, no. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her and she freaked.

JAKE (puzzled) Really? She came up to me in the gym and just looked at me like I was a leper.

The Geek's getting off on playing the expert.

GEEK Girls'll do that, Jake. You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat. They know this and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics.

JAKE I thought she hated my guts.

GEEK Games, Jake. Silly, torturous games. You know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me because I'm too torqued-up to say no. It's heinous.

JAKE You better not be pulling my chain. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with her and find out she really does think I'm a wimp.

GEEK Look at it this way, what happens to me if I bullshit you?

JAKE (matter-of- factly) I reach down your throat and squeeze your heart.

GEEK Right. So, why would I lie?

Jake sits back on the couch and toys with the panties.

GEEK (serious) But I feel compelled to mention that if all you want off her is a piece of ass, I'll do my best to either do it myself or get somebody bigger than me to reach down yo~r throat and squeeze your heart. Shes an excellent human being. Not many girls in contemporary American society would give up their underwear to help a weenie like me.

JAKE I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I got Caroline in my room right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted.

The Geek's eyes pop open.

GEEK What are you waiting for?

JAKE I don't know. She's beautiful and built and all that but I'm just not interested anymore.

GEEK (sexy; macho) Does that really matter, guy?

JAKE Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. All she craves is party action. I want a serious girl friend. Somebody I can talk to. Somebody I can love and who'll love me back.

He's a little embarrassed by his romantic plea.

JAKE Does that sound psycho?

GEEK Oh, hell no. I think a ton of guys feel the same way, only they don't have the balls to admit it. Samantha's a major piece of work. She's nice and she cares.

JAKE I'll make a deal with you. (refers to the panties) Let me have these and I'll let you take Caroline home.

The Geek's mouth drops open.

JAKE She's all yours. Except you have to make sure she gets home. You can't like just leave her in a parking lot or something.

The Geek scratches his head. He can't take the offer.

GEEK I'm only a freshman.

JAKE Hey, she's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

GEEK I mean, don't have a car.

JAKE Take mine.

GEEK I don't have a license either.

JAKE I trust you.

The Geek swallows hard.

GEEK I better not.

JAKE You're sure?

GEEK Yeah. I'm sure.

SCENE 145^

Jake and the Geek carry Caroline out of the house. Jake has her under the arms. The Geek has her feet. She giggles as they carry her to Jake's father's Rolls Royce. Jake balances her on his knee and opens the front passenger door.

GEEK This is your car?

JAKE It's my dad's. You said you couldn't drive stick.

GEEK It's a fucking Rolls Royce!

JAKE So?

GEEK So?! I heard that the grill alone lists out for like five grand. I don't have five grand.

JAKE Then don't hit anything.

Jake drops Caroline on the seat. He takes her feet from the Geek and shoves her in. He plants her feet in the footwells and pulls her skirt down. He thinks better of it and looks at the Geek.

JAKE (referring to the skirt) Up or down?

The Geek flashes a look at Caroline. GEEK'S POINT OF VIEW Caroline's best party panties and two perfect thighs.

GEEK (embarrassed) Um ... you can leave it up.

He pulls her skirt up.

JAKE Go for it, stud.

He hands the Geek the car keys. The Geek walks around to the driver's side and gets in. He crosses himself and starts the engine. Caroline rolls her head over to the Geek. Then she looks back at Jake.

CAROLINE (referring to the Geek) Who's that?

JAKE That's me.

CAROLINE Who are you?

JAKE (points to the Geek) I'm him.

CAROLINE (confused but convinced) Oh, okay.

Jake leans in and gives the Geek the okay sign.

JAKE She's totally gone. Have fun.

He backs away from the car as the Geek puts it in reverse.

SCENE 146^

The Rolls crawls out of the garage. The radio goes on. The Rolls pulls ahead making a broad, graceless circle and heads slowly down the driveway.

He walks out of the garage and watches the Rolls head down the drive. he breaths a weary sigh and heads back to the house. We hear the rustle of tree branches then a familiar. voice.

DONG (O.C.) (sexy coo) Oh, sexy girl friend ... !

Jake stops dead in his tracks. He looks left, then right. Then overhead. JAKE'S POINT OF VIEW Dong leaps from a tree branch. His pants are cinched to his head with his belt, like an Indian headdress.

DONG Banzai!

SCENE 147^

It cruises slowly down a residential street.

SCENE 148^

The Geek's driving with both hands firmly on the wheel. He's as nervous as a cat in a hailstorm. Caroline is next to him, drunk, out of control and obnoxiously playful. Music's blasting. The Geeker's in way over his head.

GEEK Can we turn the music down, please? I'm a first time driver. I need to concentrate.

Caroline reaches over and honks the horn.

GEEK Cut it out!

She turns on the windshield washers. The Geek struggles to turn them off. She hits the convertable top switch and it starts to go up.

GEEK Knock it off! You're going to get us in serious trouble!

Caroline pops open a can of beer and tries to feed it to the Geek.

CAROLINE Chug-a-lug, pooh bear.

He takes it from her throws it out the window. The car phone rings. Caroline grabs it.

CAROLINE Hello?

The Geek takes it away from her. She pops another beer.

GEEK (into the phone) Wrong number.

As he hangs up the phone, Caroline puts the beer up on the dash and digs a birth control dispenser out of her purse. She holds it up to his face. He pushes it away from without recognizing it.

CAROLINE This is my Christmas present to you.

She takes one of the pills out and holds it in his face.

CAROLINE See?

GEEK Yes. Thank you.

He takes the pill and pops it in his mouth. Caroline lets out a sharp laugh.

CAROLINE Now we're both on the pill!

The Geek looks at her with horror. He frantically spits the pill out the window.

GEEK You gave me a birth control pill?! Do you have any idea what estrogen can do to a guy my age?!

CAROLINE I know exactly what it does to a girl my age.

She slides over next to the Geek and purrs in his ear.

CAROLINE It makes it okay to be really super careless.

Caroline throws a huge kiss on the Geek, completely obliterating his view of the road.

SCENE 149^

It jumps a curb and rides twenty feet with two wheels on the grass. It rams a big plastic garbage can and jerks back into the street. The can sticks under the car, making a terrible racket.

SCENE 150^

Caroline drops her head in the Geek's lap. His eyes dart back and forth between the road and his lap and Caroline. His concerns about getting in trouble wilt in the heat of Caroline's passion.

GEEK This is so unreal!

CAROLINE (O.C.) Jakey, you've been so cold to me.

GEEK (firmly, manly) Not anymore, woman.

The Rolls peels away into the night.

SCENE 151^

The Geek creeps through the bushes to the window. He looks around and knocks on the glass.

The bedroom is jammed with computer hardware. A monitor is glowing with a three-dimensional representation of a pair of human brains. A printer is clicking away as it receives an overseas transmission from his Egyptian Dungeons and Dragons partner. Shelves are burdened with manuals, software, stacks of print-outs and precision tools. The walls are decorated with erotic print-outs -- women in compromising positions done in "e's", "a's" and "x's". Cliff is sleeping in a single bed. He's wearing a black vinyl headband fitted with electrodes to scan and record the activity of his sleeping brain. He is connected to the computer and to his friend, Bryce, who is similarly out- fitted and is asleep on the floor next to Cliff's bed in a sleeping bag. Cliff and Bryce hear the Geek's insistant raps on the window. They both sit up.

The Geek knocks again. The window opens and Bryce and Cliff look out. They're still wearing their head gear.

CLIFF Ted! What the hell are you doing?

BRYCE Oh, shit! Is that humongous jock after you?

GEEK Do you have any film in your camera?

CLIFF Huh?

GEEK Do you have any fucking film in your asshole camera, moron?!

CLIFF What for?

GEEK Just get your camera and come out in front and hurry it up!

CLIFF UFO?

GEEK Better!

The Geek hurries away.

BRYCE Extra-terrestrial?

The Geek yells back, O.C.

GEEK Better!

Cliff and Bryce look at each other.

CLIFF & BRYCE Female extra-terrestrial!

SCENE 152^

The front door opens and Cliff and Bryce come out in their underwear and at-shirts. Cliff's carrying a Polaroid camera. He carefully closes the front door. They turn and stop dead in their tracks. Their mouths drop open.

SCENE 153^

HIS POINT OF VIEW - THE ROLLS is parked in front of his house with the top down. The Geek waves him on.

SCENE 154^

The Geek directs Cliff around to the front of the car. Cliff's dumbfounded.

CLIFF (amazed) This is a fucking Rolls Royce! She's the fucking Prom Queen! You got two fucking girls in one night!

GEEK I told you I was hot, twerp.

CLIFF Hot? You're a legend!

GEEK Okay, great. I am. Now, hurry it up! I'm breaking about thirty major laws.

CLIFF Nobody's going to believe you.

GEEK That's what the picture's for, fuzz nuts!

The Geek hurries around to the driver's side. Cliff fumbles with the camera. The Geek gets in and puts his arm around Caroline. She snuggles up to him.

GEEK Smile, pumpkin.

She lifts her head and offers a drunken smile. Flash!

SCENE 155^

CLOSEUP - PHOTOGRAPH The fully developed Polaroid picture of the Geek and Caroline. His eyes are closed. She's smiling and waving.

SCENE 156^

A Jeep CJ roars up to the house and stops. Dong flies out of the door and lands with a thud! on the lawn. His pants are still on his head. The Lumberjack leans out.

LUMBERJACK Hey, Dong man, you made me feel like a woman. Way to fuckin' go.

She squeals away. Dong lifts his weary head and reveals a punched-up face and broken glasses.

DONG What an exciting country!

He passes out on the lawn. DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 157^

The sun's coming up behind the house. An alarm clock goes off. Ginny shrieks.

GINNY Mother!

SCENE 158^

Brenda hurries out of her room. Jim comes out after her.

JIM Great! She's not in the shower?

Brenda gives him a dirty look and goes into Ginny's room. Jim crosses to the bathroom, thinking he's got it all to himself. Mike comes out of his room.

MIKE Dad? I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Grandpa Fred was in there for about a half an hour. It's totally polluted.

JIM Just get dressed.

MIKE It's your nose.

Mike closes his door. Jim opens the bathroom door. A beat and he slams it shut.

SCENE 159^

She's laying on her bed. Brenda's sitting next to her.

BRENDA (fondly) You've got the good, old-fashioned bridal jitters.

GINNY (looks at her like she's nuts) I've got cramps that would bring tears to a bull elephant.

BRENDA You'll be all right. I want you to do me a favor. Wish Sam a happy birthday.

Ginny looks at Brenda like she's crazy.

GINNY Don't toy with me, mother!

BRENDA It was yesterday. We all forgot.

GINNY For Christ's sake. It's not fatal.

SCENE 160^

The two grandmothers are trying to make breakfast together. They're as crabby as everyone else. They're in their house- coats. Dorothy is annoyed that Helen's smoking while she cooks. Howard's on the wall phone.

HOWARD Thank you. We'll wait for word from you.

Fred comes in from the backyard with his nine iron. He's been out taking a few practice swings. Howard hangs up the phone.

HOWARD The police haven't seen hide nor hair of Long Duk Dong.

FRED Maybe he drove back to Korea. Your car's not here either.

Howard chokes. Dorothy drops an egg.

SCENE 161^

Sam walks out of the living room and into the foyer with the blanket draped over her shoulders. She starts up the stairs. Brenda comes down the stairs. She stops as she sees Sam. She's upset.

BRENDA Oh, Sam ....

Sam looks up at Brenda, puzzled by her concerned tone of voice.

BRENDA I feel just terrible. I don't know how it happened. I was so busy ... Sweetheart, I'm sorry. About your birthday. We all are. Daddy said he talked to you.

SAM It's okay. I'll recover.

BRENDA I don't know what to say, darling.

SAM Don't say anything. It's fine.

BRENDA (on the verge of tears) I want to say something. It was important to you. Yesterday morning, you were trying to tell me ....

She sniffles. Sam walks up a step and embraces Brenda. She comforts her mother.

SAM It's okay, Mom.

BRENDA Honey, I just feel miserable.

SAM You'll feel better.

Sara comes up the stairs. She stops to watch Brenda and Sam hugging.

SARAH Who died?

Brenda breaks the embrace and wipes away a tear.

BRENDA Do you have something you want to say to your sister?

SARAH What? Are you kidding?

Brenda's annoyed at Sara's wise-ass misinterpretation of what she means.

BRENDA I mean about her birthday. It was yesterday. We forgot.

Sara lets out a horse laugh.

SARA Classic!

She continues up the stairs.

SCENE 162^

She climbs the stairs to her room. She reaches the top and drops her blanket. She groans and covers her face.

SCENE 163^

HER POINT OF VIEW - HOWARD has set his suitcase down on top of her albums. Samsonite feet on the virgin vinyl.

SCENE 164^

SAM She sits down on the top stair and covers her face with her hands.

SAM Old people should be shot. I swear to God, I can't go through with this shit anymore.

MIKE (O.C.) I see London, I see Marakesh, I see real live beaver flesh!

Sam looks down the stairs in horror.

SAM You asshole!

SCENE 165^

Mike turns from the door to the third floor stairs.

MIKE Sam just called me an asshole.

Jim passes on his way to the other bathroom.

JIM She calls 'em like she sees 'em, sport.

MIKE Why don't you get on her case, Dad? Did you know she lost Grandpa's alien.

JIM God bless her.

Jim goes into the bathroom.

MIKE (shrugs in agreement) Good point.

SCENE 166^

She's curled up on her bed, talking on the phone.

SAM I can't even describe what a total bummer this is going to be. I have to go to the wedding and look like Miss Pretty Princess in this dipshit bridesmaid dress. I don't have one-tenth the bod to fill the stupid bust up. Should I just waste myself and spare the agony?

SCENE 167^

She's sitting on her bed in T-shirt and panties listening sympathetically.

RANDY I'm so bummed out to hear all this. I was going to tell you something but maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.

SCENE 168^

SAM You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.

SCENE 169^

RANDY Last night at the dance my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

She pulls the phone from her ear as Sam screams.

SCENE 170^

The grandparents are eating. From the third floor we hear Sam shriek. The grandparents look up from the breakfasts.

HOWARD Jesus, I hate that rock'n roll crap!

FRED I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

SCENE 171^

The family comes out dressed for the wedding. The men are wearing morning coats. The only one who's rented clothes fit properly is Fred.

FRED (to Howard and Jim) You know what your tuxedos have in common with a cheap hotel?

Jim and Howard look at him wearily.

JIM & HOWARD No ball room.

FRED Aw, you heard that one.

Sam's sullen and annoyed. She's in a dress. Ginny's in jeans, clutching her stomach. Brenda's in a simple outfit, carrying the wedding dress.

GINNY Mom, I swear to God, I'm growing an alien creature in my stomach!

MIKE I hope it· lays eggs.

JIM Shut your mouth.

Jim slams the door and locks the deadbolt.

HOWARD Where the hell is that son of a bitch neo-Communist gook with my car?!

JIM (to Brenda) You take the kids, I'll take the old folks.

FRED Who're you calling old?

JIM You, Fred!

Brenda and the girls hurry to the garage and Brenda's car. Jim shuffles along with the old people.

SCENE 172^

Dong's laying in a heap on the grass. A dog is sniffing his head. It makes a circle and raises its leg. Brenda's car pulls out and speeds away. The dog pulls a large bra out of Dong's hip pocket and runs off with it.

SCENE 173^

Jim's Buick shoots out the drive.

SCENE 174^

Fred notices Dong out the window. He points and laughs.

FRED Hey, Howard! There's your Chinaman!

Howard and Dorothy crane their necks. Dorothy screams. Mike laughs.

SCENE 175^

Jim slams on the brakes. The car doors open and everybody piles out. They run to Dong and shoo the dogs away.

DOROTHY Howard! He's dead!

JIM Aw, shit! I'm paying three grand for a wedding I'll never see!

FRED (makes a face) Holy doodle! Smells like he drowned in dog juice!

Howard kneels down and cautiously touches Dong.

HOWARD Dong? (sigh of relief, to the others) Thank God! He's still warm.

He rolls him over. Dong opens one eye. The other is swollen shut. He's still drunk and silly.

DONG No more yanky my wanky! The Donger need food!

Howard looks up at Dorothy. Fred howls with laughter.

FRED Why he's plotzed! Bombed right out of his noodle!

HOWARD (to Fred) Shut up, Fred! (to Dong, firm) Dong! Where's my automobile?

Dong giggles.

DONG (acts out driving the car into a lake) Lake!

DOROTHY Why, you little scuz bag!

Sweet, kind Dorothy draws her leg back and kicks Dong in the groin.

SCENE 176^

Brenda helps Ginny down the church steps. Sam and Sara trail behind. The church Organist comes out the door to greet them. She's a portly woman in her sixties.

ORGANIST Oh, my! Is everything all right? I was afraid you'd had an accident.

GINNY I wish.

BRENDA Her monthly bill came early.

SARA What monthly bill? You said her egg factory went berserk.

Brenda steps in front of Sara to shut her up.

BRENDA She's fine. She took a muscle relaxer.

GINNY Try three.

BRENDA You didn't!

GINNY Mother, I'm not in pain. I'm in hell.

The Organist's eyes open wide at the mention of hell.

SCENE 177^

Jim's car pulls up alongside the Rolls Royce. The grand- parents, Jim and Mike get out. Fred's still chuckling. Howard helps Dorothy. She's limping. We hold on the Rolls.

SCENE 178^

The top's down and Caroline is asleep in the Geek's arms. Somehow, during his night of wild fun, he's remembered to put on his orthodonic headgear. A modest bird dropping is splattered on one of his eyeglass lenses. There's a lip- stick mark on his forehead. Caroline snuggles against his chest. She plants a sleepy kiss on his chest and opens her eyes. Half her hair is missing from the night before.

CAROLINE You're so warm.

She scoots up a bit and kisses his lips. He snores. She rears back from him.

CAROLINE Jake?

She squints.

CAROLINE (baffled) He turned into a digithead?

She sits up, dazed and confused. She rubs her throbbing head. She reaches into her lap, lifts a buttock and removes the Geek's hand. She leans back over him and studies his face. She holds his cheeks and turns his head back and forth.

CAROLINE This is totally weird.

The Geek moans softly and puts his arm around her. Caroline opens her purse. It's stuffed full of the hair her friend cut off the night before, she studies it for a moment and recognizes it as her own. She feels the uncut side then the bare side. If she weren't so baffled she'd scream.

SCENE 179^

CLOSEUP - GINNY She looks gorgeous. The prettiest bride in the world. A beat and a silly, stoned smile breaks across her face. Her eyes slowly cross.

SCENE 180^

Brenda's holding Ginny up as Sam puts shoes on her. The painkiller's have kicked in.

GINNY (giggles) Jesus Christ! Do I feel funky!

SARA Mom? Are you still married even if you don't remember what happened at your wedding?

The Organist opens the door and looks in.

ORGANIST Is everything okay?

GINNY Aces to the max, munchkin.

BRENDA (embarrassed) We'll be ready in a moment.

ORGANIST I can't find the groom.

Ginny lets out a titter.

GINNY Cruise the bars. That's where I found him.

SCENE 181^

The Geek's still sleeping. Caroline gently slaps his face.

CAROLINE You wanna wake up, please?

The Geek stirs and opens his eyes. He looks around in bewilderment until he orients himself. He sits up with a start.

GEEK Where am I?

CAROLINE I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.

The Geek peels off his headgear.

GEEK I'm Farmer Ted.

CAROLINE You're in a parking lot.

He cranes his neck and looks out of the car.

GEEK What happened?

CAROLINE Got me, junior.

He notices that half her hair's missing.

GEEK Did I do that?

CAROLINE At this point, anything's possible.

The Geek scratches his head -- a faint memory comes to mind.

GEEK Did we ... ?

CAROLINE I'm pretty sure.

GEEK Did I ... enjoy it? (answers his own questions) What am I? Nuts? Of course I did. I had to. (pause) Did you?

Caroline thinks for a troubled moment.

CAROLINE You know, I have this weird feeling I did.

SCENE 182^

Brenda's walking Ginny up and down, trying to get her to drink coffee.

BRENDA This is ridiculous! Ginny!

Ginny looks at Brenda with woeful, sleepy eyes. Sam and Sara watch from a window bench.

SAM The family has definitely gone into a new orbit.

SARA Yeah. It's kind of scary. I have to live with them another ten years.

SAM Does my dress look wretched?

Sara studies it, concentrating on the bust.

SARA You could use some carrots.

SAM If I stuff Kleenex down my front, will you tell everybody in the world?

SARA Just boys.

Sam curls her lip. She pushes in on one of her boobs. The cup caves in.

SAM Excellent, huh? Nothing ever goes right for me. I'm cursed.

SCENE 183^

Jake's Porsche is parked out in front. He's at the front door.

SCENE 184^

Jake rings the bell. Inside we hear horrible moaning and groaning and animal-like bellowing. Jake peeks in the side door windows.

SCENE 185^

Dong limps in wearing Brenda's pink bathrobe and boxer shorts. He's holding two cold cans of Coke to his temples. He's walking bow-legged. He has a black eye.

DONG Mwaaa. Let me die. Mwaaaa.

He moves the cans to the groin injury he sustained when Dorothy kicked him.

SCENE 186^

Dong opens the door. Jake is startled to see him. Dong is even more startled. He screams and slams the door closed.

DONG (O.C.) Eek! I call police! F.B.I. ! Go away!

JAKE Open the door!

DONG (O.C .. ) No way Jose! You beat up my face!

Jake leans down and yells into the mail chute.

JAKE You jumped me and squeezed my nuts!

Jake steps back as Dong opens the door.

DONG (surprised) That you?! (apologetic) So sorry. I thought it new American girl friend.

JAKE (impatient) Forget it, okay? Just get Samantha.

DONG She not here.

JAKE Don't jerk me around. Where is she?

DONG She get married.

JAKE What?!

DONG She at church. She get married to oily Bohunk.

Jake turns from the door, puzzled and bewildered.

JAKE Married?

SCENE 187^

Guests are filing in. Mike is an usher. A conservatively dressed couple walks in.

MIKE Guests of the bride or the groom?

MAN Bride.

Mike points down the aisle.

MIKE To your left, sir.

A wildly dressed couple walks in. Mike looks them up and down and deduces from their clothing that they're guests of the groom.

MIKE Friends of the groom, right?

SCENE 188^

Brenda's straightening Ginny's dress. She has her propped against the wall. Sam and Sara are waiting patiently with their bouquets.

BRENDA You're sure you're all right, sweetie?

Ginny nods, yes.

GINNY It's gonna be a piece of cake, Bren'.

SAM (sincere and warm) Ginny? I want to tell you something just in case you pass out. I'm really happy for you. I'm sorry if I've been kind of a jerk lately.

GINNY (slurry and high) Hey, screw it, honey. I love you like a sister.

SAM I know you'll have a great marriage.

She leans over and kisses Ginny. Ginny smiles and keels over backwards.

SCENE 189^

Jim waits nervously for the music cue and the bride. In the adjacent room, we hear a loud thud! The organ comes up with the first bars of "The Wedding March." Jim rushes to the door of the anteroom and opens it. Inside we see Brenda helping a dazed Ginny to her feet.

SCENE 190^

The Organist stops playing and listens, along with everyone else, to Jim and Brenda.

JIM I don't care what she has! Look at her!

BRENDA Would you please be quiet?! We don't have to announce to everybody that she has her period!

SCENE 191^

They exchange embarrassed smiles. Behind them, the organist pokes her head out of the organ chamber window.

GROOM I guess the guys who thought we had to get married feel pretty stupid right about now, huh, padre?

The Reverend nods politely.

SCENE 192^

Brenda helps Ginny onto Jim's arm. He supports her. Brenda hurries down the aisle, apologizing as she runs. She takes her seat. Sam and Sara pick up Ginny's train. Jim starts down the aisle with Ginny.

SCENE 193^

Ginny flashes stoned smiles as she shuffles down the aisle.

GINNY (whispers) How's it goin'? I hope none of you guys got me woks.

Jim squeezes her arm. She shuts up. They pass a woman with a feathered hat and Ginny can't resist batting the feather.

SCENE 194^

Caroline and the Geek are chatting amicably. There's a hint of tenderness in the conversation.

CAROLINE You were awfully nice to me. I must have been mucho obnoxioso.

GEEK You bit me.

CAROLINE I'm sorry.

GEEK It's okay. I guess last night was just about the best night of my life. Now and probably the future, too.

CAROLINE Yeah. What I remember was okay. I never went out with a freshman. Not even when I was a freshman.

GEEK Me either.

CAROLINE You were pretty crazy.

GEEK I was?

CAROLINE Yeah, but you know what I like best?

GEEK My clean, close shave?

CAROLINE Waking up in your arms.

The Geek is flabbergasted. He looks at his arms.

GEEK These things?

SCENE 195^

Jake's car pulls up in front of the church. A rented limousine is waiting. The Driver is leaning on the fender smoking a cigarette.

JAKE (to the Driver) Is there a wedding going on in there?

DRIVER That's the rumor.

JAKE You wouldn't know if the bride is like a sophomore in high school would you?

The Driver looks at him like he's crazy.

DRIVER This ain't Kentucky.

JAKE (sighs with relief) True. I'm sort of like possibly falling in love with this girl perhaps and it'd be the shits if she got married before I got a chance to take her out, you know? So ... thanks.

He revs his engine and whips around into the parking lot.

SCENE 196^

Jake pulls up alongside the Rolls. He stands up and looks out his sunroof into the Rolls.

JAKE Holy shit!

SCENE 197^

Caroline and the Geek are locked in a passionate kiss. Through half-closed eyes, Caroline sees Jake.

CAROLINE (voice distorted by the kiss) Uh oh.

She pulls away from the Geek, leaving him Frenching the air. She smiles at Jake.

CAROLINE (timid) Hi, Jake.

The Geek hears Jake's name. His eyes open in fear. Caroline straightens her blouse and pushes her hair back.

CAROLINE (nervous, to Jake) Do you have a minute?

She stands up and swings her legs over the side of the Rolls.

CAROLINE (to the Geek) Don't go away.

The car phone rings. Geek answers it. He's annoyed.

GEEK You wanna learn what happened? Buy the book.

He hangs up.

SCENE 198^

Caroline gets in the passenger side. She's nervous and unsure of how's she's going to explain herself. He's just as nervous. They both sit for a moment, exchanging timid, embarrassed glances.

JAKE Sorry about getting you involved with that guy.

CAROLINE It's okay. Really. (nervous chuckle) It wasn't too terrible. (embarrassed) Weird?

She's embarrassed to admit to her feelings for the Geek. Jake smiles. Regardless of how little he's been feeling for Caroline, it still hurts him that she was with somebody else. It's a knee-jerk reaction.

JAKE (recovers his pride) So, what should we do?

CAROLINE About us?

Jake nods uneasily.

CAROLINE It's gonna be two years for us like next Thursday.

JAKE (corrects her) Wednesday.

CAROLINE Is it?

Jake nods. There's an uncomfortable pause. For the first time, Caroline looks innocent and vulnerable.

CAROLINE Neither one of us is going to die if it doesn't happen for us.

JAKE True.

CAROLINE I just don't know right now. But I'm covered, okay? I won't get hurt.

Jake is seriously straddling the fence between Sam and Caroline. He hadn't anticipated this conversation or Caroline's changed attitude. He doesn't know what to say.

CAROLINE I'll leave it up to you.

Jake looks over at Caroline. It's his decision. The situation is of his making and he accepts that it's also his to resolve. He nods his agreement.

SCENE 199^

Sunlight streams in the windows, the stained glass glows. It's peaceful and serene as the ceremony is underway.

SCENE 200^

Tears well up in her eyes as she watches her big sister take the vows. She looks like an angel and even the yellow dress she hated so much looks lovely on her. There's a storm of emotion going on inside her. She's happy, jealous, sad, lonely, angry, hurt. She sniffles and tries not to cry. Something distracts her. She looks down at her chest. CLOSEUP - SAM'S CHEST The caved-in cup slowly pops out.

SCENE 201^

The grandmothers are crying. Howard sniffles. Fred blows his nose with a loud honk!

SCENE 202^

Mike's eyes are wandering across the ceiling. Sara's picking her seat.

SCENE 203^

They watch with pride. Brenda's crying. Jim lifts his glasses and dries his eyes.

SCENE 204^

Rudy and Ginny exchange their vows. The Reverend speaks in hushed and pensive tones.

REVEREND Do you, Virginia, take this ....

Ginny interrupts him in a casual, slurry voice.

GINNY You bet, bub.

SCENE 205^

They exchange troubled glances. Brenda looks past Jim to Rudy's parents and apologizes with a weak smile.

SCENE 206^

Their mouths are open in alarm.

SCENE 207^

Ginny peels off her veil and tosses it onto a floral arrangement.

GINNY Sorry, I can't see with that ridiculous thing in my face. Go ahead. I'm cool now.

The Reverend clears his throat, overlooks Ginny's stoned interruption and continues.

REVEREND ... take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

GINNY (looking at Rudy) Oh, for sure. He's hot.

SCENE 208^

She winces at the mess Ginny's making of her wedding.

SCENE 209^

Sara rolls her eyes. Mike shakes his head and covers his face with his hands.

SCENE 210^

He repeats the vow for Rudy.

REVEREND Do you, Rudolf take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

GINNY (to Rudy) Your turn, babe.

RUDY (ignores her) I do.

REVEREND With these rings ....

Rudy's best man hands him Ginny's ring. Sam hands Ginny Rudy's ring.

GINNY Thanks, Sam. (looks at her dress, whispers) You know that dress doesn't look nearly as shitty on you as it did at the store.

Sam turns Ginny around to face Rudy. Ginny drops the ring.

GINNY Oh, crap!

She gets down on all fours and picks it up.

SCENE 211^

All four lean forward at the same time, hardly believing what they're seeing.

SCENE 212^

The Reverend races through the rest of the ceremony to get it over with before anything else happens.

REVEREND ... I thee wed.

Ginny and Rudy exchange rings.

REVEREND You may now kiss the bride.

Rudy puts his arms on Ginny's waist. He leans forward and puckers. Ginny keels over backwards, leaving Rudy kissing air. Organ music surges in.

SCENE 213^

Both families stream out of the church and gather around the door. The photographer sets himself up at the bottom of the stairs. Ginny and Rudy come out and everybody tosses rice. Ginny tries to catch some in her mouth. Rudy quickly hustles her to the waiting limousine. The crowd begins to head toward the parking lot.

SCENE 214^

She remembers that Ginny's left her veil inside.

SAM She forgot her veil!

She turns and goes back into the church.

SCENE 215^

She heads back up the aisle for the altar. She wipes her tears away as she walks. She reaches the altar and retrieves the veil from the floral arrangement. She straightens it out and very carefully and reverently folds it.

SCENE 216^

The four of them head across the lawn.

HELEN Didn't Ginny look lovely?

DOROTHY And so relaxed.

FRED Let's hope she stays awake long enough to consummate this thing.

HELEN Fred!

HOWARD Who're we riding with?

Jim and Brenda approach with Mike and Sara trailing behind. Jim and Brenda are bickering.

JIM (to Brenda) Let's just get the hell over to the reception!

BRENDA Hold your horses!

JIM I don't want her sitting in the cake ....

BRENDA She's not going to sit in the cake! Reverend Allen didn't drive so I'll take him and the organist and the kids. You take the old people.

FRED Now she's calling us old!

Brenda hurries away. Jim ushers the old folks to the street.

JIM Let's put a fire under it!

The photographer comes up and tries to pose Jim and the old people.

JIM Will you knock it off!

He groans and joins the old folks in a group pose. They all smile. Flash!

JIM Okay, let's move it out!

Jim and the old folks cross the street between the traffic jam of horn honking cars.

SCENE 217^

Sam comes out of the church to find that her thoughfulness in retrieving Ginny's veil has been rewarded by her being left behind. The crowning blow. She stands alone on the church steps in her stupid dress with her stupid flowers, tears on her face. She looks down at the ground. The loneliest girl in all of creation. She looks up and wipes her tears on her arm. She drops her head again.

SCENE 218^

CLOSEUP - SAM Her head is bowed. She looks up slowly through her hair. She pauses with her head raised halfway. She can't believe her eyes. HER POINT OF VIEW - THE CARS have all pulled away and parked on the street directly across from the church is Jake's Porsche. Jake is standing next to the car, looking across at Sam. He's smiling nervously. He raises his hand, offers a tiny, tentative wave.

JAKE Hi.

SCENE 219^

CLOSEUP - SAM For a moment, she doesn't think he's talking to her. She glances over her shoulder to make sure he's looking at her and not someone behind her.

SCENE 220^

His smile fades. He interprets her hesitation in returning his greeting as rejection. He feels like a fool.

JAKE Shit. She hates me. I knew it.

He carefully reaches around behind and opens the door. Then he quickly jumps in and starts the engine. He pulls away.

SCENE 221^

CLOSEUP - SAM Her eyes open wide in horror. She screams.

SAM Jake!

She takes off down the steps.

SCENE 222^

Jake slams on the brakes. He sees Sam running. He throws the car in reverse and backs up to the church. He jumps out. Sam waits for a car to pass, then runs to him. CLOSEUP - SAM & JAKE She doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to say. It's the moment they've both been waiting for and neither one knows what to do.

SAM Hi.

JAKE Hi.

SAM What're you doing here?

JAKE I heard that you were here.

SAM You came for me?

JAKE Is that okay?

SAM Actually, it's excellent.

JAKE Do you have to go to a reception or something?

SAM I'm supposed to.

JAKE Can I call you later?

SAM Yeah.

SCENE 223^

Jake gets back in the car. He puts it in gear and starts to pull away.

SAM I mean, no!

Jake stops.

JAKE No, I can't call?

SAM I mean no, I'm not going to the reception.

Jake grins from ear to ear.

SCENE 224^

Jim is helping the old people into the car. Something catches his eye. He watches curiously.

SCENE 225^

HIS POINT OF VIEW - JAKE opens his car door for Sam. Sam sees Jim. She points to Jake as he walks around to the driver's side to let Jim know that Jake is the love of her life.

SCENE 226^

JIM a smile spreads across his face as he realizes that Jake is the boy Sam was talking about the night before. He winks anel gives Sam the thumbs up.

DOROTHY (O.C.) Will you hurry up, Jim! We're ....

Without taking his eyes off Sam, Jim slams the car door, cutting off Dorothy.

SCENE 227^

DOROTHY through the backseat window, we see that Jim has closed the door on her hat.

SCENE 228^

SAM She throws Jim a big kiss and gets in the car.

SCENE 229^

Brenda, Jim, Mike and Sara are under the portico. Brenda's worried, Jim is smug and coy. He knows where Sam is. He plays along with the others.

BRENDA What could have happened to Sam?

JIM I'm sure she's fine.

MIKE Maybe she blew this thing off. It's possible she's not as dumb as she looks.

JIM She'll be all right.

BRENDA I know she's still upset about her birthday.

MIKE We dumped on her royally, Mom.

SARA I feel terrible and it's not even me that it happened to.

JIM We'll make it up to her.

BRENDA Poor thing.

MIKE (wipes his nose on his sleeve) Yeah. Pathetic underdog wench.

BRENDA Jim, will you call home? I can't stand the thought of her sitting by herself alone in a dark house.

The family heads back into the club. Jim hangs back smiling knowingly.

SCENE 230^

The room is dark except for a fragile glow of yellow in the center of the pool.

SCENE 231^

CLOSEUP - BIRTHDAY CAKE A birthday cake with sixteen lit candles rests on a styrofoam ring floating in the pool. Sam and Jake are in the water on either side of the ring, looking across the candles at each other. They slowly circle the cake, looking long and deep into each other's eyes.

SAM Thanks for getting my undies back.

JAKE Thanks for coming over.

SAM Thanks for coming to get me.

JAKE Happy birthday, Samantha.

He leans across the cake and kisses her.

JAKE Make a wish.

Sam smiles.

SAM It already came true.

Sam looks down at the cake, takes a deep breath and blows out the candles. BLACK SCREEN Music up. "Sixteen Candles." Big, loud and bright as we begin: THE END